gobbledegeek 2.0

Here are Round 5 results with round 6 being played next Monday. It’s the Queen’s birthday tomorrow, so no pool.

Ladder Rd 5.xls

…….what a bunch of frackin’ morons!

I make a point of excluding profanity from my blog but for these dickheads, I am happy to make an exception.

A couple of weeks ago I received a Western Union order and knowing that Australia Post would be closed on a Sunday I phoned around a few of the agents listed on the WU website. The bint in the Junortoun Central Post Office & Service Station, assured me that they were able to perform the transaction. Arrived. Actually, she wasn’t permitted to perform the transaction.

This week I called again to potentially save a trip in the pouring rain. She assured me that she was able to perform the transaction. I asked again to be sure and explained the previous wasted trip. She gave me assurances that they were able and willing to perform WU transactions. Got there.

“Oh! We are able to send but not receive”, she said.

What a frackin’ goat! Am I the only one who would have mentioned this tiny but fundamentally crucial factoid?

I am now piss wet through, have wasted another hour and still have no money. Not a happy bunny!

You Suck Severely!

For anyone interested in the Bendigo Winter Pool Competition results, I have decided to start posting them for you. They won’t be specific match scores but the overall Division standings following each Monday night’s games. You will need Excel or MS Excel compatible spreadsheet software to view.

Ladder Rd 4.xls

Several people have asked for my pizza recipe and while I often jot it onto a piece of paper for them, posting the ‘official’ version here might reassure them that ‘it really is that simple’. It certainly can be simple if you want it to be but there is a whole Interwebthingy strewn with debate, research, long versions, short versions, hints, tips and recipes from the pure and simple to the cluttered, chaotic and downright unnecessary.  If you’re looking for a tomato sauce recipe, you won’t find it in this post but I will certainly cover it soon…

This is my version of a simple dough which is identical to so many out there. It was a starting point for experimentation, trial and error and my own search for great tasting pizza. I’m not saying it’s great by any high gluten stretch of the imagination and I’m not saying there aren’t better recipes out there but it’s a quick and simple version that could whet your appetite and launch you on your own quest for the Holy Grail of pizza.

The short way down

• 1 cup of plain flour
• 8 tbsp of warm water
• 1 tsp of salt
• 1 tsp of yeast
• 1 tbsp olive oil

Mix and knead for several minutes. Oil the inside of a bowl with a little olive oil or spray. Drop the ball of dough in and cover with Glad wrap or a damp cloth and leave somewhere warm. Leave to rise for a couple of hours or until it nearly doubles in size.

Punch the dough down in the centre and roll out on to a floured surface while the oven heats up to about 240° C. Add your tomato sauce and favourite toppings and bake for about 10 t0 15 minutes or until the crust is golden brown.

Top tip!

Once your dough is rolled out to the required size and thickness, transfer to a tray or other flat surface covered with semolina or cornmeal. This will enable the topped and finished pizza to easily slide off when you transfer it to the oven.

The long way ’round

For those partial to the convoluted, the following might satisfy your appetite. It’s the same simple recipe, just long-winded.

Doh!

Flour – Strong baker’s flour is best but I often use the super-cheap supermarket homebrand. You can also buy specific bread and pizza flour such as the Anchor brand (for those of us in Australia) but generally, a strong, high protein, plain flour is what you’re after. High protein means higher elasticity and a better rise. Get King Arthur Bread flour if you can find it.

Salt – Good old fashioned table salt. A possibly interesting variation might be to use rock salt for an added crunchy suprise but until I find the salt shaker empty, I might just leave the rock for other recipes and emergencies.

Olive oil – I add a tablespoon of olive oil to the warm water and sometimes drizzle lightly over simple pizzas. A drop or two should be used to line the bowl to prevent sticking during the rise. The spray version is quite handy for this.

Water – 8 tablespoons of warm water should be a guide but 9 shouldn’t harm. If the dough isn’t slightly sticky add minute quantities and continue kneading. It should pull away from the bowl but just stick the bottom as you knead. Conversely, if it’s too wet, sticking to both hands and the bowl, simply sprinkle small quantities of flour. Apparently, an acceptable dough should stretch nicely without cracking.

Yeast – A level teaspoon of ordinary bakers yeast is sufficient for this recipe but this is one ingredient that you don’t necessarily double up on when making larger quantities. I believe this equates to a sachet of the common brands found in any supermarket. During your quest for the perfect pizza, yeast becomes very important but we’ll talk about that another time.

Mixing

Add all dry ingredients to a large bowl. I use a hand whisk to disperse thoroughly. Make a well in the middle and pour in the water and olive oil.

Use a fork and mix until mostly combined. This saves getting all gooed up. Then again, so does using an electric mixer with dough hooks.  Now use a floured hand to knead the dough. I find, as many do, that the kneading process is quite relaxing. It’s also a more socially acceptable means of developing a strong right hand but I digress. This should be done for several minutes before covering and leaving in a warm place to rise. I usually use Glad wrap instead of a traditional damp cloth.

The Rise

There is much debate concerning ingredients, methods and temperatures etc and the length and size of the dough rise is no exception but if I’m in a hurry, I’ll roll it out whenever I damn please.

Many will say that you must wait until it doubles in size and there are arguments for overnight rising but as this is supposed to be a super simple recipe, leave it until it has risen by about 50-75%, usually between 1 and 2 hours. I have even kept dough covered in the fridge for days before using it and if you find regular kneading a chore, or the size of your kneading arm grows to the embarrassing proportions of Popeye, make up a batch, divide into single pizza balls, rub with olive oil, seal in Glad wrap or sandwich bags and throw in the freezer for a rainy day. Once solid, they can be dropped into a sock to manufacture a formidable weapon against burglars, door-to-door salesmen and Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The roll

Once your dough has risen enough, dump it out onto a clean floured surface and punch the centre to expel the air. You can use your fist to start spreading the dough outwards. Purists will say you should use just your fingers to manipulate and stretch the dough to the required size and shape but this takes time. Personally, I more often than not use a medium sized empty jam jar. Starting from the middle, gently and evenly roll the dough outwards but avoid rolling the edge. Leaving a slightly thicker rim will result in a lovely crunchy hand hold and prevent hot goey ingredients from sliding off.

The bake

Once the dough is just about there or your patience runs out, whichever is sooner, wack the oven on at 240° C. If you are using a stone, then aim for a good 20 minutes or more to heat up properly. I have heard conflicting theories on stone placement, whether it be top or bottom of the oven and it may just have been luck but I have slightly better results by placing the stone at the top of my rather crappy fan-assisted oven. You’ll have to experiment. Keep an eye on it but at this temperature, 10 minutes should do but take it out when the cheese has melted and the crust is golden brown.

There’s more

If, like me, you catch the pizza-making bug, it will not be long before you begin the quest for the ‘perfect pizza’. However, you need not look much further than Jeff Varasano’s web site. Just ask Google for ‘the perfect pizza recipe’ and Jeff’s site sits in the number one spot. I’ve scanned it numerous times to glean tips but it makes my mouth water in a particularly undignified and wholly Homer-like fashion, every time I visit. I shall have to wear a bib should I ever be lucky enough to visit his recently opened pizzeria in New York!

In the end

The key to making great pizza, in my opinion, is to keep it simple and this recipe is certainly that. By all means experiment with every step until you are satisfied. Get yourself a pizza stone, cook quicker at higher temperatures or for longer on lower, try the top of the oven as well as the lower, add grated Parmesan or mixed herbs to the dough or vary the thickness of crust. All this I will endeavor to cover another time.

All said and done, you have to enjoy what you are doing, otherwise call Domino’s!

Here’s a ham and cheese I made earlier….

Ham and cheese pizza

It seems I can’t go in far in Bendigo without the misplaced tag of ‘Pom’ being aimed in my direction. I’m Welsh and proud of it. Certainly, my accent is English rather than the songful tones of Welsh (the product of a Nomadic military background and public school, I’m afraid) but just as impossible it is for me to distinguish the regional differences of the Australian language, so too can it be said of the Aussies and the regional dialects of the British Isles. English, Irish, Scottish or Welsh, Brummie, Cockney, Glaswegian or Valleys’, they are all English to our antipodean cousins (or should that be ‘antipodal’?).

While this all encompassing, if inaccurate label causes no offence to me, it does to some. This is especially so when preceded by ‘whinging’ or ‘bloody’ and whilst the precise etymology eludes me, it is worth noting that even the Australians are unsure of exactly where or how the word ‘Pom’ originated.

This seemingly innocuous little word can and does become considerably more offensive with a change of inflection and an accompaniment of choice vulgar adjectives. The phrase transforms from a jovial term of endearment or playful jibe, to vitriolic slander meant to pique one’s good nature.

And so I find myself explaining that I am in fact Welsh and not English (British, if the concept seems too hard to grasp due to a long night in the company of alcohol) with alarming regularity and when I occasionally do have a moan, I begin by explaining this fact in the hope I might avoid being referred to as a ‘bloody whinging Pom’. This often saves a great deal of unnecessary protracted conversation afterwards on such topics as the British Empire, the Prince of Wales, the Celts, the Queen, the Welsh Language, the Welsh Assembly, Margaret Thatcher, rugby, the precise location of Wales, cricket and Tom Jones.

An acceptable alternative to ‘Pom’ would be to use the tag ‘Brit‘ instead. It’s short (and we all know how Aussies love to shorten every word in the Australian English dictionary and then some), easy to spell but above all, accurate. It should be pointed out that the nationality of everyone holding a UK passport is in fact British and not English, Irish, Scottish or Welsh!

With the proliferation of wireless connectivity comes a disdainful breed of miscreant, the bandwidth leech.

Unlike much of the rest of the planet (and some remote areas of Turkmenistan), broadband is still an expensive commodity here in Australia and as such I would feel mightily aggrieved if some tight-arsed freeloader stole it from me. I would have no problem with sharing my connection if the telcos offered unlimited downloads or at very least, reasonably priced, but they don’t. We have to pay for every web page, e-mail, sound and image that is squeezed down the wire.

If it was free or at best cheap, I would have no real issue with allowing others to benefit while I’m not using it. This is how the concept of wireless community networks became a reality in the nineties. Unfortunately, Aussie bandwidth is not cheap. On a oddly related note, I am not currently using the petrol in my car but this does not give anyone license to siphon my tank.

As connection speeds multiply to cater for the ever increasing need for e-speed, the problem of leeching will doubtless disappear but all the while we pay for the amount of data, irrespective of what speed it arrives, bandwidth leeches should beware of salt; rock salt; actually just rocks.

If you are reading this, then the chances are that you are just slightly/somewhat/rabidly (delete as required) curious about Bendigo Forums or else very lost. The following information is for the benefit of the former, although the material is for general consumption and so encourage the latter to read on regardless. It goes some way to explain what the site aims to do, why it was created and by whom.

Created back in early 2007, this modest little site was born with communication in mind; the collation, discussion and dissemination of information. You might think that there is already enough of this sort of mundane tripe parked up and down the ‘Information Super Highway’ and that by adding to it, I’m merely wasting valuable bandwidth, not to mention burning a hole in my pocket. However, my mate Google informed me that Bendigo did not have any significant online discussion board or at least one that wasn’t affiliated with a commercial venture and so I took it upon myself to create Bendigo Forums. 

“How very altruistic and philanthropic of you.” I hear you think but the truth is that my family and I were new to the region and tools such as the Interwebthingy and Bendigo Forums, enable us to network, discover the region, answer questions, share views, discuss local and national issues and who knows, maybe even make real friends (As in ugly bags of mostly water as opposed to the virtual ones who exist only in Cyberspace).

Forums, sometimes referred to as discussion boards, are unlike conventional chat room facilities in that participants are not required to be present at any given time in order to take part. They can log in and read or join in the discussion when it’s convenient for them. Also, each individual discussion has its own unique thread which is in turn filed within the relevant subject category. These categories are created in advance by me or the nominated Moderators but should demand prove it worthwhile, additional categories can be easily added. The various topics are saved so that they might be visited at any time in the future and thus serve as a useful archive.

The great thing about forums is that as virtual meeting places, they do not discriminate against race, religion, age, sex, disability or even which AFL team you follow. Forums and their users are neither affected nor restricted by time or location. They are open to anyone at anytime from anywhere on the planet (with the possible exception of Belarus, Burma, China, Cuba, Egypt, Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan and Vietnam who have recently been ‘blacklisted’ as ‘enemies of the Internet’ by human rights group Reporters Without Borders  ).

Bendigo Forums aims to be a family-friendly, fun and informative free resource for anyone and everyone with an interest in Bendigo, Victoria, Australia and as such, I encourage you to pop over there now and sign up for your free membership and get posting now!

Above all, I hope this site will be of some use to someone, somewhere but if nothing else have fun!

You might also like to read Bendigo Forums.

….dead in the water or simpy ahead of it’s time?

The development of an online community can be seen soul-destroying given the amount of work that one can put in for such little initial reward, and by reward I mean satisfaction and not financial gain. The methods employed by commercial and non-commercial social networks to increase participation are often very similar but for very different reasons.

Increasingly, companies are integrating social networking concepts into their online presense to build brand loyalty, push products and services and generally increase their market. Very few Australian businesses have recognised the potential of integrating a simple discussion forum into their sites, for example (obviously where relevant). There are examples in Bendigo, including one that did but paid very little attention to its importance.

When your customers form alliances with others to share their views, business needs, and interests, it can forge stronger emotional ties to your brand. These social networks grow virally and exponentially after customers invite their friends and colleagues to join and so on.

However, while the ‘IT business that shall remain nameless’, will no doubt come back with a more fully-featured, interactive community section having seen the potential of a rival site (their words not mine), there will always be the presence of commercial fluff to distract the user. This is the obvious aim and one which should be pursued as it will eventually pay dividends for them and rightly so.

Bendigo Forums is not commercial. Other than possibly introducing a few Google Ads to help pay for the running costs, that is the way I intend it to stay. Bendigo Forums aims to encourage a social network based on a mutual interest, Bendigo. The potential for local government, business and the community in general to benefit from a site like this is great and probably the reason others will hurry to jump on the band wagon once they realise.

I’m a social entrepreneur by nature, with very many fewer self-serving interests than your average businessman and no corporeal product or service to sell but I do believe Bendigo Forums has the potential to offer something to the community in terms of the general concepts of social networking.

As the numbers of those who engage in online communities grow, more and more look towards forums and discussion boards when researching a product or service. After all, wouldn’t you like to talk to the customers rather than just the sales staff driven by the desire to sell? With this in mind, it is increasingly likely that those in search of information pertaining to Bendigo and the surrounding region will look for discussion groups and forums related to the area.

With relevant content, visitors will stay long enough to read and glean the information they require. With healthy debate and discussion on all aspects of the subject matter, visitors are more likely to sign up and participate. Visitors need a reason to return and their involvement in discussion is just one. There are numerous other methods of promoting ‘stickiness’, from offering chat facilities and interactive games, to regular competitions and multimedia sharing facilities. 

The attitudes of most of those who have already been invited to participate in Bendigo Foruns are disappointing and there are alarming parallels in the attitudes, delivery and uptake of Information and Communications Technologies in the region, to those in rural Wales over ten years ago! I was very much involved in the development of the ICT infrastructure for rural regeneration and development in Powys, Wales and so I’ve seen it first hand.

For the moment Bendigo Forums is little more than a hobby I’m willing to share with anyone who’s interested and not a conscious effort in community development. It could be though! With a little effort on my part it could take off very quickly.

And so if you have an interest in Bendigo and the surrounding region, get yourself over to Bendigo Forums, sign up and start posting. It’s free and very simple.

Read about Bendigo Forums.

Honestly, you couldn’t write this stuff…

Over the past few weeks, body parts have been turning up spread across two rural England counties. Tests have connected the scattered remains, if only from a forensic point of view. The most recent grizzly discovery was part of the torso, found in Gore Lane, no less!

Linky link!

Have you spotted this unassuming chap littering the tranquil English countryside?

Dexter - The UK Tour?

….and you know what? I bet nobody else gives a shit! But that’s the beauty of a blog; I can write what the hell I like and libel laws aside, I will argue that point to the grave.

I don’t know what’s worse, these tossers (see below) for their inability to park correctly or me for actually giving a shit!

Every fucker used the PEDESTRIAN walkway as their own private parking space

I could almost accept parking like this from a woman

Navigating a busy street with a push chair and four additional small ones is far from easy at the best of times but when you are forced into the road, instead of the relative safety of the sidewalk, it can be particularly dangerous. My children have no choice but to ride or walk in the road. Are you so fucking thoughtless that you simply park where you feel is ok for you? In a residential area? The mind boggles at the thoughtlessness of, it has to be said, the overwhelming majority of vultures who drove to scavage the leftovers.

Thankfully our suburban road is relatively peaceful and traffic free, other than the obvious aforementioned morons but their ignorant actions speak volumes for the laid back ‘fair go’ attitudes, synonimous with Aussies. If we were located on a more busy public road, the baseball bat would be getting up close and personal with a couple of dick head’s cages.

Aussie ‘fair go’ attitude? More like Aussie ‘couldn’t give a toss’ attitude.

I notice that since and probably not as a result of my protracted rant regarding the crap service from Woolworths Homeshop, they have made an attempt to restructure the categories. They must have been doing this or some other technical tinkering while I was labouring to conclude my shopping yesterday because after a number of hours waiting for pages to load or having to resubmit items to the cart which were mysteriously going AWOL, someone finally had the inspiration to put up a page informing visitors that the site would be temporarily unavailable.

That doesn’t mean to say that I have changed my opinion of their so-called service. Woolworths Homeshop is still quite crap!

Following the produce category reshuffle, several of the items I usually order are no longer available and the choices and variety has been limited beyond what it already was.

Which came first, the chicken or the eggs?

Today at least, the eggs did. The chicken didn’t come, full stop! I can understand aledgedly fresh doughnuts being out of stock, especially given the growing size of Australians these days but a frozen chicken? How in God’s name can you be out of bloody frozen chooks? I mean, it’s not like you have to regularly order limited stock and promote rapid turnover to prevent the produce going fowl (did you see what I did there hmm?). It’s bloody frozen, it’ll keep for months. There really is no excuse to be short of frozen produce in my opinion.

No chickens!

The delivery driver joked something about a shortage in Melbourne when I pointed this out and this begged the question; why on Earth do Woolworths deliver to Bendigo from Melbourne? 

Surely if they filled out the orders with local stock, it would not only save them a small fortune in fuel costs, vehicle upkeep and man-hours but it would help the local economy and the environment.

The mind boggles.

Perhaps I’m too harsh on Woolworths/Safeway so I shall finish on a plus note.

Today, for the very first time ever, suitable items were substituted for produce that must have been out of stock or otherwise absent. I knew it could be done. Woolworths knew it too otherwise they wouldn’t have included the option. Perhaps this weeks  ’packer’ was more a thoughtful staff member and less of a lazy git.

Doesn’t it just frustrate and rile you no end when the only choice you have is a shit choice? It does me but then I suppose I’m getting old and the older I get, the less shit I tend to accept.

Safeways online shopping service that requires me to physically travel to their supermarket to complete my order, is one such shit choice. At least in the Bendigo region. In fact, it’s false advertising.

By and large, my day is spent at home, either at the computer in a futile attempt to earn money or running around the house cleaning up after disgusting children. A long-term forced marriage with clinical depression, coupled with an anxiety disorder, ensure that popping out to the local supermarket is an event of some magnitude when acheived.

Those not affected by such  debillitating, psychological ‘balls and chains,’ could hardly understand the consequences of living with such disorders. I’m certainly not after your sympathy, simply painting the picture.

The idea of shopping online is great for people such as myself and lazy bastards in general. Unfortunately, Australia still has some distance to go before the concept reaches ‘critical mass’. Web developers need to up their skillset, bricks and mortar businesses need to aknowledge and promote this expanding market and ultimately, consumers need to feel confident enough with both the product and the process. But I digress.

Online shopping works if it works, if you follow me. My point is that shopping online and having it delivered to my door, is a useful concept and one I’m sure is vital for many.  Notwithstanding the obvious benefits to those unable to physically visit a supermarket, the very fact that this mundane chore is removed, is brilliant. Cup of tea in one hand, a mouse in the other and not a single jobsworth checking bags on your way out, what’s not to like?

However, if items are missing from your delivery, it kind of defeats the object if you are then forced to go out and get the items yourself. Every week, without exception, several items are missing from my order and last week precisely half the order was absent. It’s not so bad if the item in question is unimportant but should the main course not turn up, you have no choice but to go out and get it. For example, Coq au Vin is simply a plate of hot wine if your chook doesn’t show and have you ever tried eating muesli without milk?

In my case, by the time the order is delivered, and there are several time slots to choose from provided you are in a position to hang around for several hours as requested, there is no time to get to a local store before children return from school or some other such comittment prevents it.

Potatoes and vegetables hardly constitute a complete or nutritionally balanced meal where I come from and anyone who wishes to point out that I should be thankful I do not live in the Sudan or some other third world country where any food constitutes a welcome meal, I am and you may take this opportunity to cease pleasuring yourself and remove your head from your supersized lard-laden backside. Actually, do yourself a favour and **** off!

In an effort to reduce the number of missing items from your delivery, you have the option to select whether or not the packer should substitute them with suitable alternatives. This would surely nessesitate extra work for the packer who, after discovering my toilet tissue was out of stock (alledgedly), would be required to walk an extra 6 paces along the same aisle to locate a suitable substitute. Indeed it must be far above and beyond the call of duty as I have yet to recieve a substitute of any kind even though I select this option to avoid visiting them in person.

On the subject of stock or more accurately lack of, Woolworths/Safeway have been unable to make actual stock figures tally accurately with the online store and all too often you will unwittingly pay for phantom items. This is incredibly frustrating and I have voiced my annoyance on several occasions but it has obviously fallen on deaf ears.

I know that someone in that organisation has listened, or rather read, because in one of the emails I fired off to customer support, I mentioned that their delivery confirmation emails contained a dud link and the problem was corrected imediately.

At the end of the day, I don’t give a toss about amatuerish coding mistakes in emails or even on their site. All I want is my bloody shopping. Is it seriously too much to ask? It seems so but what choice do I have? Yes, electro-shock therapy has shown promising results in some of those with depression and following a lengthy course at my nearest sub-station, I’m sure I will be fully cured and more than eager to drag my five young children, kicking and screaming around the aisles, all the while desperately trying to avoid causing serious injury and death by trolly, to innocent bystanders.

The fact is that there currently is no choice in grocery home shopping services for the Bendigo region. One is forced to make do with what I loosely refer to as the ’service’ offered by Woolworths/Safeway that is sub-standard and shoddy at best.

Come on Coles. How long before you begin covering this area? If it works, I will love you…..love you long time!

– Australian noun

If there is one food that has the uncanny ability to improve virtually any dish, bacon is it. You only have to look at the humble burger to appreciate what I mean. Add a couple of slices of well-cooked bacon and you can probably justify a visit to Macca’s. A simple pizza takes on a whole other dimension with the introduction of sliced bacon and a BLT sans B is barely a satisfying brunch for a rabbit. Could you imagine a Caesar Salad without bacon or a full English breakfast missing a few slices or streaky porkness?

This incredibly versatile porcine product is practically perfect and probably impossible to better (apologies for the preponderance of p’s). Some might argue that chocolate tastes better but that’s down to personal taste and not a belief I share. One odd fact that might be surprising is that bacon and chocolate are perfect culinary partners. 

If resistance to chocolate is a futile challenge and you find the company of a bacon butty titillates the taste buds, then chocolate-covered bacon will arouse the gastric juices of the most discerning gastronome.

Mmmm.....chocolate covered bacon.

With the sweetness of the chocolate (or bitter sweet if using darker chocolate), and the saltiness of the ‘just’ crispy bacon, this seemingly odd couple make a magical marriage.

Chocolate has long been combined with savoury dishes. It is traditionally used in Mexican ‘mole’ dishes and is particularly popular in Spanish Catalan food. The dark, rich flavours combine well with the gamey and more richer recipes.

In fact a small amount of chocolate can add depth and enhance many meals. If you decide to experiment, start with dark chocolate or cocoa powder in dishes such as chilli or spaghetti sauces. Melt a couple of blocks in with your roasting veggies, particularly carrot and parsnip.

For those of you who like to flirt with danger or even just flirt, why not try this artery-busting butty. Many may have already come across it before but without the addition of the chocolate. Often referred to as the ‘Elvis’ due to it’s most famous cholesterol casualty, Elvis Presley, this is probably about as close to Paradise as one can possibly get on Earth.

The ‘Elvis’ – aka the peanut butter, bacon, banana fried butty.

1. Add a knob of salty butter to a suitably sized frying pan on medium heat. Once the butter melts and begins to foam, add the white bread coating both sides with the molten butter until golden brown. You could kid yourself that substituting brown bread would be a healthier option but…

2. Crisp the bacon up in a separate frying pan. You might like to try honey-cured bacon. I personally have used olive oil. Remove and drain on kitchen towel.

3. Spread both slices of golden brown fried bread with crunchy peanut butter. Alternatively, spread one slice with peanut butter and the other with chocolate spread, unless of course you have a ready-made supply of chocolate-covered bacon.

4. Slice or mash up your banana and spread over one slice of fried bread. At this point you might wish to drizzle a little honey over.

5. Place your freshly fried bacon slices on top of the banana and top with the other slice of fried bread.

6. Eat straight away. Enjoy!

A veritable orgasm in your mouth, I think you’ll agree 

An arguably healthier alternative blandwich...

Disclaimer - I take no responsibility for burst arteries, exploding heart valves or indeed any other medical condition that could be attributed to using this recipe.

How do you boil eggs? The answer to this is carefully. What we need to do first of all is memorise a few very important rules. Don’t ever boil eggs that have come straight from the refrigerator, because very cold eggs plunged straight into hot water are likely to crack. Always use a kitchen timer – trying to guess the timing or even remembering to look at your watch can be hazardous. Never over-boil eggs (you won’t if you have a timer) – this is the cardinal sin because the yolks will turn black and the texture will be like rubber. If the eggs are very fresh (less than four days old), allow an extra 30 seconds on each timing.

The perfect boiled egg?

Always use a small saucepan – eggs with too much space to career about and crash into one another while they cook are likely to crack. Never have the water fast boiling; a gentle simmer is all they need. Remember that eggs have a pocket at their wide end where air collects and, during the boiling, pressure can build up and cause cracking. A simple way to deal with this is to make a pinprick in the rounded end of the shell, which will allow the steam to escape.

Soft-boiled eggs

Obviously, every single one of us has a personal preference as to precisely how we like our eggs cooked. Over the years I have found a method that is both simple and reliable, and the various timings set out here seem to accommodate all tastes. First of all have a small saucepan filled with enough simmering water to cover the eggs by about 1/2 inch (1 cm). Then quickly but gently lower the eggs into the water, one at a time, using a tablespoon. Now switch the timer on and give the eggs exactly 1 minute’s simmering time. Then remove the pan from the heat, put a lid on it and set the timer again, giving the following timings:

6 minutes will produce a soft, fairly liquid yolk and a white that is just set but still quite wobbly.
7 minutes will produce a firmer, more creamy yolk with a white that is competely set.

On the subject of eating soft-boiled eggs, I personally am willing to take the risk. As a general practice, though, it is not advisable to serve these to vulnerable groups, such as very young children, pregnant women, the elderly or anyone weakened by serious illness.

TIP – If you prefer to have the yolk sit more central within the white, gently stir the eggs for a minute or two once in the pan. This gentle spinning will center the yolk.

More evidence that ‘the geek shall indeed inherit the Earth’, comes with the news that South Wales Fire & Rescue Service are using big boys toys in their efforts to tackle remote grass fires. With 5,500 emergency calls in one ten day period, the crews can use any help they can get. Assistance comes in the form of an eight-wheeled amphibious vehicle and a mini remote controlled ‘eye in the sky’.

Now, when it comes to rugby, us Welsh are currently the best in the Northern Hemisphere but when it comes to bush fires, the boys here at Bendigo CFA could surely show them a thing or two…

You can read the whole article here.

It would be pure folly to even attempt to explain the train of thought which eventually led to the Australia-shaped pizza but it was fun, if only for me.

I needed an image that I could manipulate, particularly it’s size, without losing quality. I immediately assumed that this was a job for the indomitable Photoshop with which I have little skill and even less patience to learn and so I enquired on a number of graphics-related discussion fora.

The initial response was “make your own” and unsurprisingly, “Pizza Hut” received an honorary mention but eventually, the more mature creative minds offered some useful advice regarding likely candidates and methods for accomplishing the task. However, I would prefer to shave my backside with a blunt, rusty razor and slide down an embankment of nettles on my arse than get to grips with Photoshop, Paint Shop Pro or Corel Draw and not just because I can’t be arsed but more due to the expense involved to use legitimate licensed software.

According to my research, none of the umpteen pizzerias in Bendigo do an Australia-shaped pizza. It would have been simpler to order, photograph and eat. So, even though I [rolleyes]‘d at the original, seemingly unhelpful fora replies, I found myself actually making my own rustic pizza. I’m glad I did.

Pizza is incredibly simple to make and there’s no reason why everyone who likes pizza, shouldn’t be able to make their own. In fact, learning to DIY will not only save you money but you’ll appreciate them more as they taste so much nicer than their commercial cousins.

The Dough

2 Cups of plain flour (bread flour if you have it)

3/4 Cup of warm water

1 tsp of salt

1 tsp sugar

2 tbls olive oil

7/8 gms yeast (usually 1 packet)

Sauce and toppings of your choice

Add yeast to warm water.

Mix dry ingredients together in a bowl. Add water and yeast mix and the olive oil. Mix and knead into a ball until slightly sticky. Add more flour too sticky or water if too dry. Little olive oil wiped around the bottom part of the bowl. Drop ball of dough in, cover with cellophane wrap and leave somewhere warm to rise.

Once risen by about 50%, remove and flatten on a lightly floured surface. If you can flatten to about 3-5 mm by hand, great. My dough was so elastic that I struggled even with a rolling pin.

Top with the sauce and your preferred toppings. Bake at 2.20 fan assisted, higher for regular.

The result might not look particularly appetizing but my children loved it!

A pizza shaped like Australia! Struth!

Now, don’t forget that this produced an edible pizza, ultimately for creating the Australia shape. What it certainly has done is inspire me to learn how to make a great pizza and in due course, I will be posting updates using new dough recipes, sauces and methods, while I experiment to find my favourite combo.

There are hundreds of dough variations and a confusing amount of cooking methods but before I even begin, I am going to guess that the winner will be the humble cheese and tomato Margarita. Second place will probably go to a slightly richer calzone with pepperoni.

This is what I am aiming for…

The perfect pizza base!

Anyway, stay tuned and I will share what I find.

Bendigo dog owners are rightly outraged and more than a little disturbed with the knowledge that a sick, sociopathic miscreant is skulking in the shadows, ready to pounce on their beloved pets. The depraved thug is known to be responsible for the callous and brutal slaughter of at least a dozen local dogs including an entire litter of puppies which were bludgeoned to death.

If the thought of an animal serial killer on the loose does little to stir any compassion, take into consideration the very real links between animal and human violence. Many researchers have found that a history of animal violence indicates a high propensity for interpersonal violence. Put simply, those who abuse animals usually move on to human victims. That said, not all animal abusers become serial killers but most serial killers began their killing ‘career’ with animals.

One of the known warning signs of certain psychopathologies, including antisocial personality disorder, is a history of torturing pets and small animals. According to the New York Times:

“the FBI has found that a history of cruelty to animals is one of the traits that regularly appears in its computer records of serial rapists and murderers, and the standard diagnostic and treatment manual for psychiatric and emotional disorders lists cruelty to animals as a diagnostic criterion for conduct disorders.” and “A survey of psychiatric patients who had repeatedly tortured dogs and cats found all of them had high levels of aggression toward people as well.”

This is a commonly reproduced finding and for this reason, violence (including sexually oriented violence) towards animals, is considered a serious warning sign of potential serious violence towards humans. The following are a few examples:

• Russell Weston Jr. tortured and killed 12 cats, by burning, cutting their tails, paws and ears off, put toxic chemicals in their eyes, blinding them, forcing them to eat poison, hanging them from trees; the noose loose enough to create a slow and painful death, as the cat/kitten struggles to free itself as the noose gets tighter with each attempt. Later killed 2 police officers at the U.S. Capitol in Washington, DC.
• Jeffery Dahmer loved to dissect animals (he learned this in school). Later he dissected boys and kept their body parts in the refrigerator. He murdered 17 men.
• Albert De Salvo, the Boston Strangler, would place a dog and cat in a crate with a partition between them. After starving the animals for several days, he would remove the partition and watch them kill each other. He raped and killed 13 women by strangulation. He would often pose the bodies in a shocking manner after their murders.
• In 1998 in Springfield, Oregon 15-year-old Kip Kinkel set a live cat on fire and dragged the innocent creature through the main street of town. He walked into his high school cafeteria and opened fire on his classmates. Two classmates were killed and 22 others injured, four critically. Later that day, police found his parents shot to death in their home.
• Edmund Emil Kemper III, who murdered his mother and 7 other women, was known to abuse cats and dogs.
• Carol Edmund Cole, who murdered 35 people, admitted that his first violent act was strangling a puppy.
• Eleven-year-old Andrew Golden and 13-year-old Mitchell Johnson tortured and killed dogs. A friend of Golden stated that he shoots dogs all the time with a .22. In 1998, in Jonesboro, Arkansas, Golden and Johnson shot and killed four students and one teacher during a fire drill at their school.
• Richard Allen Davis set numerous cats on fire. He killed all of Polly Klaus’ animals before abducting and murdering Polly Klaus, aged 12, from her bedroom.
• The 10 year olds Robert Thompson and John Venables, who killed toddler Jamie Bulger had a history of violence towards animals.

Despite the historical recognition of the link between cruelty to animals and violence toward humans, law enforcement agencies, the courts, and social service agencies have, until recently, ignored the well established connection.

• A survey of pet-owning families with substantiated child abuse and neglect found that animals were abused in 88 percent of homes where child physical abuse was present (DeViney, Dickert, & Lockwood, 1983).
• A study of women seeking shelter at a safe house showed that 71 percent of those having pets affirmed that their partner had threatened, hurt or killed their companion animals, and 32 percent of mothers reported that their children had hurt or killed their pets (Ascione, 1998).
• Still another study showed that violent offenders incarcerated in a maximum security prison were significantly more likely than non-violent offenders to have committed childhood acts of cruelty toward pets (Merz-Perez, Heide, & Silverman, 2001).
• An English researcher found that 83% of families reported for animal abuse also had children listed at high risk of abuse or neglect.

There is also support for the hypothesis that cruelty to animals may be linked to other mental disorders. It can also be an indication that other forms of abuse are also occurring in the home, such as child or spousal abuse. If that wasn’t enough, Schedel-Stupperich (2001) state that some animal abuse incidences have a sexual connotation, and in general, the link between sadistic sexual acts with animals and sadistic practices with humans or lust murders is well known.

Some murderers tortured animals in their childhood, with some of them also practicing bestiality. Ressler et al. (1988) found that 36% of sexual murderers described themselves as having abused animals during childhood, with 46% of them reporting that they had abused animals during adolescence, and that 8 of their sample of 36 sexual murderers showed an interest in zoosexual acts.

So with this in mind, I wonder how Bendigo Police and the local authorities are treating this case? Given the limited intelligence associated with such depraved people, I wouldn’t expect the perpetrator to possess the ability to turn on and use a computer, let alone read this blog.

But should he (and I’m putting money on it being a ‘he’) somehow overcome these debilitating obstacles and find himself reading this……You are obviously deeply disturbed and I would strongly suggest you seek urgent psychiatric help before these cowardly acts escalate into a ‘career’ involving human victims, who incidentally, will most certainly fight back.

Taking a family vacation to the mountains in order to sample the Winter sports on offer, is going to be an expensive choice this season. Skiing has never been the first choice for budget holiday-makers but Europeans should consider themselves fortunate with the price they pay for their lift passes considering the latest survey by the Australian Alpine Club.

Australian ski lift prices are now the highest in the world, according to an annual survey by the Australian Alpine Club. “The inconvenient truth is that Australian ski lift prices are now more expensive than those in even the most exclusive resorts in Europe and North America,” said Australian Alpine Club President Ian Farrow.

The full article can be found here. The World Lift Ticket Price Report 2008 does go some way to put this in perspective, as the above article doesn’t take into account numerous other factors.

That's me that is!

Nevertheless, skiing is an expensive option in family vacations but should be tried at least once. If you catch the bug, you will certainly find ways to ensure regular trips to the mountains, whether you hock the family heirlooms, hock the children or simply and far less costly, leave your family at home.