Gobbledegeek 2.o

Traditional Scottish/Italian fare with a baked bean twist.

I chopped half a small onion and fried gently in a little butter. Then I broke up a slice of haggis from Rob’s in Dandenong, and mixed with the onion. Next, I added a small tin of baked beans and plastered the mixture evenly over a home-made base. I covered with an equal mix of grated cheddar and Mozzarella, then finished off with good pinch of mixed/Italian herbs. Cook in the oven as you would any less exotic pizza and Robert’s your uncle!

I waited until the kids had finished before I listed the ingredients in haggis…..”Heart!?!Lungs!?!Eeeww!”

Haggis and Baked Bean Pizza

NAAFI Break tea, the only thing keeping the British Army’s front line troops fighting fit (a thinly veiled reference to the controversy surrounding their sub-standard kit), is to be sold to civvies. That’s right, civilians or regular non-serving members of the British public, can now get their laughing gear around it. It’s the first time in their history that the NAAFI has released one of its own brands to the general public.

NAAFI tea. It'll put hairs on your chest!

The reason I decided that this news blog-worthy was twofold. Firstly, and most importantly, it will raise funds for Help for Heroes, the charity which helps injured service personnel and secondly, I grew up on the stuff. You can learn more about Help for Heroes by visiting their site and you can make a donation now by clicking on the h4h image.

Click to make a donation now!

NAAFI, the Navy, Army and Air Force Institute, supplies British military personnel throughout the world, with a ‘taste of home’. From a tent within spitting distance of the front line to the plush supermarkets and leisure facilities found on British military garrisons, NAAFI offer all the usual comforts of home such as British bread, biscuits and newspapers, British fish & chips and a traditional British pint. These days the British squaddie can even buy tax-free cars!

NAAFI Break tea has been served to British Forces since 1921 and is said to differ from the average cuppa due to its “premium quality blend that gives a rich, strong taste and a real military flavour”. Now I can’t tell you what that ‘real military flavour’ is precisely, because it has been a while since my last cup but I certainly remember it being full-bodied and not for the faint-hearted. I remember being gently woken by Sgt. Owen and the NCO’s serving us morning tea with a generous measure of Navy Rum to the sound of the regimental band playing Reveille on the square; a festive traditional treat to Parachute Regiment recruits, if my memory serves correct and in stark contrast to the usual screaming and bed tipping which passed for a wake up call. I would seriously like to reacquaint myself with it if only for nostalgia’s sake – the tea, not the wake up calls.

NAAFI Break is being sold in branches of the Spar supermarket chain in the UK and 50p from each sale goes to Help for Heroes.

If there is a more heinous crime than serving short measures (of beer), it has to be chucking fruit on a bloody pizza.

Pineapple is a prime example of when culinary creativity meets Mr. Stupid Bollocks. Coming in a close second with ways to totally bastardize an otherwise perfectly good pizza, is the desire to load it with meat. But just to clarify, it’s not simply the addition of meat, it’s the apparent need to stack so much of it on. You may as well rip the horns off a cow, shove your ball of dough up its backside and call that a pizza.

Other than ham or perhaps pepperoni, I don’t understand why anyone would saddle the humble pizza with lumps of assorted animal flesh. Don’t get me wrong, I love a steak as much as the next carnivore but the humble pizza is, in my humble opinion, simply not the place for it, it never was and there’s probably a rule about it somewhere.

One exception to the rule however, should be using minted lamb sausage meat with baked beans! Please, control your retching and hear me out.

Do yourselves a favour and buy a shit-load of minted-lamb sausages from the butcher in Strath Village. His web site is bloody awful but his snags are great. Treat yourself to bangers and mash one night but save one or two sausages for the pizza.

Chop and gently fry a small red onion in a little butter and a teaspoon of honey. Squeeze the meat out of the skins and add to the pan, making sure it’s well broken down. I use a potato masher for this. Add ground or crushed black pepper if you are so inclined.

Chuck in 1/3 tin of baked beans and mix together. There’s no need to cook the beans, we’re just making sure everything is well mixed.

Spread your tomato sauce thinly over your dough. You can skip this stage if you like, especially if your meat and beans mixture is quite wet.

Spread your sausage meat and baked bean topping evenly over your pizza base, top with mozzarella and a good pinch of mixed herbs and wack it in the oven until it starts to brown.

I kid ye not, it’s delicious but very, very rich. I only managed a small slice but the great thing is that I can have another slice for lunch and another for supper! There may even be some left over for breakfast!

Believe it or not, and I prefer to believe, tomorrow (February 9th) is International Pizza Day!

Have a look at my simple pizza dough recipe or my first ever effort in the shape of Australia!

I’m sure that many would upchuck at the thought of baked bean pizza but take my word for it, it is awesome. The boffins over at Heinz were obviously on to something when they came up with the frozen one.

Mmmm...Heinz Baked Bean Pizza

There is even a Facebook page dedicated to ‘Bring Back Heinz Baked Bean Pizzas‘!!

These days my kids go wild for my own homemade version. It’s not complicated and any baked beans will do. Spread over your tomato sauce or just tomato paste if you prefer, and top with cheese. The bulk of the cheese is simply cheddar of one sort or another but you can finish it off with a little mozzarella if you like. Sprinkle some mixed herbs over if you like and voila!

So if it’s not baked bean pizza, what’s your favourite?

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To give this scrumdiddlyicious Italian number it’s full name….Peppered Chicken Fettuccine Tossed with Sun-dried Tomatoes, Wild Mushrooms & Spinach. It may very well be known by another name but I’m afraid I have no have no idea what it might be. The original recipe was passed to me by a talented young chef in Bendigo named Adam and so the credit, and thanks, go to him.

You will notice, perhaps with some panic, that I have omitted the proportions. The reason for this is that after making it a few times, I discarded the recipe and made it to taste. For instance, I love mushrooms but the kids balk at their texture and so the amount and the variety will vary. We all adore pesto but it can make the dish a little rich and heavy, so if you have plenty of chicken to go around, cut down on the pesto and vice versa. Experiment by adding and tasting as you go. Add more of what you like and less of what you don’t but don’t go mad otherwise it will become too salty or overly rich.

Referring back to the long-winded title, if you are partial to it, you might like to add more pepper and reduce the amount of pesto. Heck! Leave out the pesto, sun-dried tomatoes and substitute cream and you have yourself a completely different meal!

Ingredients

Fettuccine or Tagliatelle
Chicken Breast Fillets
Sun-dried Tomatoes
Mushrooms
Spinach
Pesto
Cracked black pepper
Garlic
Butter
Olive Oil
Parmesan Cheese

Method

Start by cooking the pasta in well salted water. This should take between 8 and 10 minutes once the water is boiling, just long enough to let you prepare the rest of the dish.

Slice the chicken into equal pieces and marinate in olive oil and black pepper while you get on with the other stuff.

Slice the mushrooms and cook in an equal butter oil mix. Season and add a little garlic. Personally, I prefer to just heat them through so they remain quite firm but not still crunchy. You can experiment with wild mushrooms and I would suggest Crimini (Cremini, baby bellas, Italian Brown and Portabellini) for their richer, more earthy flavour or for the more adventurous (and if you can get them), Pied de Mouton or Porcini (Penny Buns) but any mushroom imparting earthy or nutty flavours such as Portabello, would be great in this dish. If you manage to get your hands on some good ‘uns, reduce the impact of the other ingredients and make it more about the mushrooms.

Earthy Cremini Mushrooms

Add more olive oil for the sauce. You may leave this step out if you’re not a fan of olive oil but you don’t want it to be too dry.

Drain and add the cooked pasta, toss and add shaved Parmesan. Potato peelers are great for shaving but a standard grater will probably have the necessary grating slot.

Add the spinach, toss and add a knob of butter. If you’re not a big fan of spinach, try it anyway because it’s the marriage of flavours that make this dish so bloody lovely. If you really must, leave out the spinach, it won’t lessen the dish noticeably. You might also like to add lightly toasted pine nuts or even almond slivers.

Serve with shaved Parmesan on top and accompany with a chilly crisp white of your choice.

Perhaps I’ll add a few black olives when I do this next and I must remember to take photos. Here’s one I borrowed but it doesn’t have sun-dried tomatoes, mushrooms, spinach, Parmesan or any chicken for that matter!!

Yummy all the same

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

DAVE BARRY

Water is precious!

Yes, I know that that some will complain that I used one word instead of two (osso buco) and others will question the absence of c in buco (bucco) but let’s be honest, how many of you speak Italian and can cook or even know the origins of this classic dish?

For purists, traditionalists and generally any other tosser who wishes to complain, you will notice a number of obvious deviations from what is considered the ‘classic’ recipe. Shock, horror! I’m using beef rather than veal, for one. There’s no traditional gremolata for another. There’s a distinct and obvious lack of celery and it isn’t served over steaming risotto alla milanese. In fact, what one considers ‘classic’ is by no means original considering the absence of the humble tomato from Europe until the late 1800′s.

Moan away but this dish is created with what I have lying about in the fridge, which amounts to carrots and onions, and served with mashed potatoes.

Seal the meat and set aside. Rough chop a couple of onions and carrots and sauté the in a few tablespoons of olive oil and a good sized knob of butter, until the onion is golden brown. Add several crushed cloves of garlic for the final few minutes to avoid burning it. This is where one would normally add a couple of stalks of celery but I don’t have any today.

Throw a couple of tins of tomatoes into your slow cooker or suitably sized oven dish, followed by the onion and carrot then add the meat. I couldn’t fit the several pieces I needed to feed a large (ish) family into the pot, so I cut the meat away from the bone. I still included the marrow-filled pieces of bone as this adds a unique richness to the overall flavour.

Add a couple of tablespoons of tomato paste and the same of dried thyme, add four or five large bay leaves and cover with beef stock.

Don’t ask me why, probably to enrage the purists further, but I almost added a good shake of Hungarian paprika but the result would have been too sweet with the tomatoes and paste shouldering that mantle adequately. On the subject of tinkering, you have the option to add a glass or so of red wine at this stage.

Cover and chuck in the oven on about 160°C for between 1 1/2 and 1 3/4 hours.

I have no idea as to what temperature my slow (ish) cooker runs at but it bubbled nicely away for about three and a half hours. I stirred it gently several times and seasoned accordingly.

If you are using the stove top, bring to the boil and then turn down very low, simmering for an hour and a half or until the meat starts crumbling.

Tip – Should your meat start to break down but the sauce remains too liquidy, remove it along with whatever chunky ingredients come with it. Turn the heat up to medium until the sauce has reduced to the required consistency.

As usual I haven’t given precise measurements because it will depend on how many shanks you are cooking. Offering up a detailed and precise recipe for a family of seven probably won’t help you much but if you have specific questions, ask away. As a general rule, though, aim to cover your ingredients with up to an inch of liquid.

Ossobuco. 'Ave it!

One of the first things I do every morning is think about what I might prepare for dinner that evening. Today I have been offered a suggestion in the form of a ready disected and roasted pumpkin and a packet of red lentils, strategically displayed where I wouldn’t miss them.

In a scene reminiscent of Ready, Steady, Cook I lean on the counter staring at the two ingredients in an effort to draw inspiration. It wasn’t too difficult to come up with a few ideas but given the frosty morning and the hope of little improvement for the remainder of the day, I opted for an Indian themed soup.

This simple recipe requires no culinary prowess and I am not even going to proffer precise quantities for all ingredients as it’s mostly created by taste and in quantities you desire.

Lentils are bloody marvelous, so versatile and help lower cholestral too. I use them in a multitude of dishes from soups to stews because they are so quick and easy to use. Rinse and chuck them into your favourite stock or plain old H2O. For this dish, I’m using 500gms of red lentils but then I currently have nine mouths to feed! Don’t fret about making too much as it freezes very well.

Firstly, rinse the lentils in cold water. I’m using the Nature’s Selection brand which require no pre-soaking, so follow the instructions you have.

Finely chop a large onion and gently fry in a few tablespoons of vegetable oil. As the onion begins to very lightly brown, add a couple of cloves of minced garlic. After a further minute or so, combine a heaped teaspoon of turmeric, cumin and coriander but you can reduce or increase any combination depending on your own taste. Gently frying at this stage helps to release the flavours and aromas of the spices better than adding to the soup later. Having said that, keep tasting periodically and adding more until the moment you serve.

Add your shiny clean lentils to a suitably sized pot and drown in chicken or vegetable stock. I’m starting with a litre and a half but can easily add more later if required and probably will.

Now scrape the flesh away from the hard pumpkin skin if soft, else cut the skin away and chop roughly.

Throw everything into your pot, bring to the boil and simmer for approximately 45 minutes. If you prefer, you can liquidise the soup for smooth finish but this just adds to the washing up and I consider it excessive faffing about and in any case, I quite like the non-liquidised texture.

If you have any fresh coriander leaves, roughly chop and use as garnish. Serve with a dollop of sour cream or natural yoghurt and accompany with mini pappadums or fresh crusty bread.

Spicy roasted pumpkin & red lentil soup

Bon appétit!
Mwynhewch eich bwyd!

So I’ve had this cauliflower in the fridge for quite some time now, hoping it would gracefully grow old and black so that I could avoid preparing a cheese sauce but to my horror, and ignoring a barely visible amount of blackening, it looked as good as the day I dumped it there. So I must bite the bullet and prepare a sauce that in all honesty, is not so much of a chore but will require a little extra work if it is to feed several hungry mouths.

A fresh hoon brain

We’ll start by preparing the milk. Throw a couple of bay leaves, a quartered onion and half a dozen cloves into the milk, season with sea salt and black pepper and bring to the boil. I use between 1 and 1.5 litres and this expands considerably once you start adding cheese, so bear this in mind when selecting your pan. You can experiment with other infusions if you’re feeling adventurous.

Once your infusion begins to boil, remove the pan from the heat and discard the ingredients when cool. Allowing the milk infusion to cool will help avoid lumps later.

Moving on to the cauli, start by removing the stem and any unwanted foliage. At this stage you should have already removed it from the fridge, otherwise it could get a little cramped and quite likely dangerous too. You can remove any unsightly blackening with a potato pealer or a sharp knife. Cut into florets or if you prefer, simply cut into the required amount of portions.

Boil in salted water for 5 minutes and then drain. You could save the water for another dish if you wish and I’d suggest using it for a creamy cauliflower soup made with cumin, turmeric and fresh coriander, for instance.

While the cauli cools, we’ll do the roux for our béchamel sauce by taking equal quantities of flour and butter. Over a low to medium heat, melt the butter first and whisk in the flour to create a smooth, creamy mess akin to wet sand. That’s your classic roux, used as a base for several ‘mother’ sauces, which in turn are used as bases for all other sauces.

Still whisking, gradually add the cooled milk infusion until completely combined. As the mixture heats the fat reacts with the starch in the flour and thickens the milk. You should continue stirring over the heat until the floury taste subsides but before the mixture darkens too much, that is unless you need a base for a dark sauce, of course.

Now you can gradually add your cheese, transforming our béchamel into cheese sauce unless you wish to impress your dinner guests, then calling it a cheese béchamel is acceptable.

Quite cheesy

Cheesy!

Did you know that equal quantities of Gruyère and Parmesan combined with your basic béchamel create the famous Mornay sauce? However, for our cauliflower cheese, we’ll stick with good old Cheddar. Continue adding the cheese and tasting regularly until the desired cheesiness is met.

Finally, a little more seasoning can be added or try a little nutmeg before pouring over the cauliflower which has been sat patiently in a suitable ovenware dish. Grate a little more cheese over the top and chuck it in the pre-heated oven at about 180°C for 20 minutes or until slightly singed on top.

Cauliflower cheese

Depending on whether the cauliflower cheese is for lunch, dinner or just a side dish, you can pad it out and make it go further by adding chopped bacon or peas and even pasta, to name a few. Equal quantities of cauli and broccoli make a pleasant change when accompanying the Sunday roast, although my personal preference would be to include very little cheese in this case.

Bon appétit!
Mwynhewch eich bwyd!

Several people have asked for my pizza recipe and while I often jot it onto a piece of paper for them, posting the ‘official’ version here might reassure them that ‘it really is that simple’. It certainly can be simple if you want it to be but there is a whole Interwebthingy strewn with debate, research, long versions, short versions, hints, tips and recipes from the pure and simple to the cluttered, chaotic and downright unnecessary.  If you’re looking for a tomato sauce recipe, you won’t find it in this post but I will certainly cover it soon…

This is my version of a simple dough which is identical to so many out there. It was a starting point for experimentation, trial and error and my own search for great tasting pizza. I’m not saying it’s great by any high gluten stretch of the imagination and I’m not saying there aren’t better recipes out there but it’s a quick and simple version that could whet your appetite and launch you on your own quest for the Holy Grail of pizza.

The short way down

• 1 cup of plain flour
• 8 tbsp of warm water
• 1 tsp of salt
• 1 tsp of yeast
• 1 tbsp olive oil

Mix and knead for several minutes. Oil the inside of a bowl with a little olive oil or spray. Drop the ball of dough in and cover with Glad wrap or a damp cloth and leave somewhere warm. Leave to rise for a couple of hours or until it nearly doubles in size.

Punch the dough down in the centre and roll out on to a floured surface while the oven heats up to about 240° C. Add your tomato sauce and favourite toppings and bake for about 10 t0 15 minutes or until the crust is golden brown.

Top tip!

Once your dough is rolled out to the required size and thickness, transfer to a tray or other flat surface covered with semolina or cornmeal. This will enable the topped and finished pizza to easily slide off when you transfer it to the oven.

The long way ’round

For those partial to the convoluted, the following might satisfy your appetite. It’s the same simple recipe, just long-winded.

Doh!

Flour – Strong baker’s flour is best but I often use the super-cheap supermarket homebrand. You can also buy specific bread and pizza flour such as the Anchor brand (for those of us in Australia) but generally, a strong, high protein, plain flour is what you’re after. High protein means higher elasticity and a better rise. Get King Arthur Bread flour if you can find it.

Salt – Good old fashioned table salt. A possibly interesting variation might be to use rock salt for an added crunchy suprise but until I find the salt shaker empty, I might just leave the rock for other recipes and emergencies.

Olive oil – I add a tablespoon of olive oil to the warm water and sometimes drizzle lightly over simple pizzas. A drop or two should be used to line the bowl to prevent sticking during the rise. The spray version is quite handy for this.

Water – 8 tablespoons of warm water should be a guide but 9 shouldn’t harm. If the dough isn’t slightly sticky add minute quantities and continue kneading. It should pull away from the bowl but just stick the bottom as you knead. Conversely, if it’s too wet, sticking to both hands and the bowl, simply sprinkle small quantities of flour. Apparently, an acceptable dough should stretch nicely without cracking.

Yeast – A level teaspoon of ordinary bakers yeast is sufficient for this recipe but this is one ingredient that you don’t necessarily double up on when making larger quantities. I believe this equates to a sachet of the common brands found in any supermarket. During your quest for the perfect pizza, yeast becomes very important but we’ll talk about that another time.

Mixing

Add all dry ingredients to a large bowl. I use a hand whisk to disperse thoroughly. Make a well in the middle and pour in the water and olive oil.

Use a fork and mix until mostly combined. This saves getting all gooed up. Then again, so does using an electric mixer with dough hooks.  Now use a floured hand to knead the dough. I find, as many do, that the kneading process is quite relaxing. It’s also a more socially acceptable means of developing a strong right hand but I digress. This should be done for several minutes before covering and leaving in a warm place to rise. I usually use Glad wrap instead of a traditional damp cloth.

The Rise

There is much debate concerning ingredients, methods and temperatures etc and the length and size of the dough rise is no exception but if I’m in a hurry, I’ll roll it out whenever I damn please.

Many will say that you must wait until it doubles in size and there are arguments for overnight rising but as this is supposed to be a super simple recipe, leave it until it has risen by about 50-75%, usually between 1 and 2 hours. I have even kept dough covered in the fridge for days before using it and if you find regular kneading a chore, or the size of your kneading arm grows to the embarrassing proportions of Popeye, make up a batch, divide into single pizza balls, rub with olive oil, seal in Glad wrap or sandwich bags and throw in the freezer for a rainy day. Once solid, they can be dropped into a sock to manufacture a formidable weapon against burglars, door-to-door salesmen and Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The roll

Once your dough has risen enough, dump it out onto a clean floured surface and punch the centre to expel the air. You can use your fist to start spreading the dough outwards. Purists will say you should use just your fingers to manipulate and stretch the dough to the required size and shape but this takes time. Personally, I more often than not use a medium sized empty jam jar. Starting from the middle, gently and evenly roll the dough outwards but avoid rolling the edge. Leaving a slightly thicker rim will result in a lovely crunchy hand hold and prevent hot goey ingredients from sliding off.

The bake

Once the dough is just about there or your patience runs out, whichever is sooner, wack the oven on at 240° C. If you are using a stone, then aim for a good 20 minutes or more to heat up properly. I have heard conflicting theories on stone placement, whether it be top or bottom of the oven and it may just have been luck but I have slightly better results by placing the stone at the top of my rather crappy fan-assisted oven. You’ll have to experiment. Keep an eye on it but at this temperature, 10 minutes should do but take it out when the cheese has melted and the crust is golden brown.

There’s more

If, like me, you catch the pizza-making bug, it will not be long before you begin the quest for the ‘perfect pizza’. However, you need not look much further than Jeff Varasano’s web site. Just ask Google for ‘the perfect pizza recipe’ and Jeff’s site sits in the number one spot. I’ve scanned it numerous times to glean tips but it makes my mouth water in a particularly undignified and wholly Homer-like fashion, every time I visit. I shall have to wear a bib should I ever be lucky enough to visit his recently opened pizzeria in New York!

In the end

The key to making great pizza, in my opinion, is to keep it simple and this recipe is certainly that. By all means experiment with every step until you are satisfied. Get yourself a pizza stone, cook quicker at higher temperatures or for longer on lower, try the top of the oven as well as the lower, add grated Parmesan or mixed herbs to the dough or vary the thickness of crust. All this I will endeavor to cover another time.

All said and done, you have to enjoy what you are doing, otherwise call Domino’s!

Here’s a ham and cheese I made earlier….

Ham and cheese pizza

I notice that since and probably not as a result of my protracted rant regarding the crap service from Woolworths Homeshop, they have made an attempt to restructure the categories. They must have been doing this or some other technical tinkering while I was labouring to conclude my shopping yesterday because after a number of hours waiting for pages to load or having to resubmit items to the cart which were mysteriously going AWOL, someone finally had the inspiration to put up a page informing visitors that the site would be temporarily unavailable.

That doesn’t mean to say that I have changed my opinion of their so-called service. Woolworths Homeshop is still quite crap!

Following the produce category reshuffle, several of the items I usually order are no longer available and the choices and variety has been limited beyond what it already was.

Which came first, the chicken or the eggs?

Today at least, the eggs did. The chicken didn’t come, full stop! I can understand aledgedly fresh doughnuts being out of stock, especially given the growing size of Australians these days but a frozen chicken? How in God’s name can you be out of bloody frozen chooks? I mean, it’s not like you have to regularly order limited stock and promote rapid turnover to prevent the produce going fowl (did you see what I did there hmm?). It’s bloody frozen, it’ll keep for months. There really is no excuse to be short of frozen produce in my opinion.

No chickens!

The delivery driver joked something about a shortage in Melbourne when I pointed this out and this begged the question; why on Earth do Woolworths deliver to Bendigo from Melbourne? 

Surely if they filled out the orders with local stock, it would not only save them a small fortune in fuel costs, vehicle upkeep and man-hours but it would help the local economy and the environment.

The mind boggles.

Perhaps I’m too harsh on Woolworths/Safeway so I shall finish on a plus note.

Today, for the very first time ever, suitable items were substituted for produce that must have been out of stock or otherwise absent. I knew it could be done. Woolworths knew it too otherwise they wouldn’t have included the option. Perhaps this weeks  ’packer’ was more a thoughtful staff member and less of a lazy git.

Doesn’t it just frustrate and rile you no end when the only choice you have is a shit choice? It does me but then I suppose I’m getting old and the older I get, the less shit I tend to accept.

Safeways online shopping service that requires me to physically travel to their supermarket to complete my order, is one such shit choice. At least in the Bendigo region. In fact, it’s false advertising.

By and large, my day is spent at home, either at the computer in a futile attempt to earn money or running around the house cleaning up after disgusting children. A long-term forced marriage with clinical depression, coupled with an anxiety disorder, ensure that popping out to the local supermarket is an event of some magnitude when acheived.

Those not affected by such  debillitating, psychological ‘balls and chains,’ could hardly understand the consequences of living with such disorders. I’m certainly not after your sympathy, simply painting the picture.

The idea of shopping online is great for people such as myself and lazy bastards in general. Unfortunately, Australia still has some distance to go before the concept reaches ‘critical mass’. Web developers need to up their skillset, bricks and mortar businesses need to aknowledge and promote this expanding market and ultimately, consumers need to feel confident enough with both the product and the process. But I digress.

Online shopping works if it works, if you follow me. My point is that shopping online and having it delivered to my door, is a useful concept and one I’m sure is vital for many.  Notwithstanding the obvious benefits to those unable to physically visit a supermarket, the very fact that this mundane chore is removed, is brilliant. Cup of tea in one hand, a mouse in the other and not a single jobsworth checking bags on your way out, what’s not to like?

However, if items are missing from your delivery, it kind of defeats the object if you are then forced to go out and get the items yourself. Every week, without exception, several items are missing from my order and last week precisely half the order was absent. It’s not so bad if the item in question is unimportant but should the main course not turn up, you have no choice but to go out and get it. For example, Coq au Vin is simply a plate of hot wine if your chook doesn’t show and have you ever tried eating muesli without milk?

In my case, by the time the order is delivered, and there are several time slots to choose from provided you are in a position to hang around for several hours as requested, there is no time to get to a local store before children return from school or some other such comittment prevents it.

Potatoes and vegetables hardly constitute a complete or nutritionally balanced meal where I come from and anyone who wishes to point out that I should be thankful I do not live in the Sudan or some other third world country where any food constitutes a welcome meal, I am and you may take this opportunity to cease pleasuring yourself and remove your head from your supersized lard-laden backside. Actually, do yourself a favour and **** off!

In an effort to reduce the number of missing items from your delivery, you have the option to select whether or not the packer should substitute them with suitable alternatives. This would surely nessesitate extra work for the packer who, after discovering my toilet tissue was out of stock (alledgedly), would be required to walk an extra 6 paces along the same aisle to locate a suitable substitute. Indeed it must be far above and beyond the call of duty as I have yet to recieve a substitute of any kind even though I select this option to avoid visiting them in person.

On the subject of stock or more accurately lack of, Woolworths/Safeway have been unable to make actual stock figures tally accurately with the online store and all too often you will unwittingly pay for phantom items. This is incredibly frustrating and I have voiced my annoyance on several occasions but it has obviously fallen on deaf ears.

I know that someone in that organisation has listened, or rather read, because in one of the emails I fired off to customer support, I mentioned that their delivery confirmation emails contained a dud link and the problem was corrected imediately.

At the end of the day, I don’t give a toss about amatuerish coding mistakes in emails or even on their site. All I want is my bloody shopping. Is it seriously too much to ask? It seems so but what choice do I have? Yes, electro-shock therapy has shown promising results in some of those with depression and following a lengthy course at my nearest sub-station, I’m sure I will be fully cured and more than eager to drag my five young children, kicking and screaming around the aisles, all the while desperately trying to avoid causing serious injury and death by trolly, to innocent bystanders.

The fact is that there currently is no choice in grocery home shopping services for the Bendigo region. One is forced to make do with what I loosely refer to as the ‘service’ offered by Woolworths/Safeway that is sub-standard and shoddy at best.

Come on Coles. How long before you begin covering this area? If it works, I will love you…..love you long time!

– Australian noun

If there is one food that has the uncanny ability to improve virtually any dish, bacon is it. You only have to look at the humble burger to appreciate what I mean. Add a couple of slices of well-cooked bacon and you can probably justify a visit to Macca’s. A simple pizza takes on a whole other dimension with the introduction of sliced bacon and a BLT sans B is barely a satisfying brunch for a rabbit. Could you imagine a Caesar Salad without bacon or a full English breakfast missing a few slices or streaky porkness?

This incredibly versatile porcine product is practically perfect and probably impossible to better (apologies for the preponderance of p’s). Some might argue that chocolate tastes better but that’s down to personal taste and not a belief I share. One odd fact that might be surprising is that bacon and chocolate are perfect culinary partners. 

If resistance to chocolate is a futile challenge and you find the company of a bacon butty titillates the taste buds, then chocolate-covered bacon will arouse the gastric juices of the most discerning gastronome.

Mmmm.....chocolate covered bacon.

With the sweetness of the chocolate (or bitter sweet if using darker chocolate), and the saltiness of the ‘just’ crispy bacon, this seemingly odd couple make a magical marriage.

Chocolate has long been combined with savoury dishes. It is traditionally used in Mexican ‘mole’ dishes and is particularly popular in Spanish Catalan food. The dark, rich flavours combine well with the gamey and more richer recipes.

In fact a small amount of chocolate can add depth and enhance many meals. If you decide to experiment, start with dark chocolate or cocoa powder in dishes such as chilli or spaghetti sauces. Melt a couple of blocks in with your roasting veggies, particularly carrot and parsnip.

For those of you who like to flirt with danger or even just flirt, why not try this artery-busting butty. Many may have already come across it before but without the addition of the chocolate. Often referred to as the ‘Elvis’ due to it’s most famous cholesterol casualty, Elvis Presley, this is probably about as close to Paradise as one can possibly get on Earth.

The ‘Elvis’ – aka the peanut butter, bacon, banana fried butty.

1. Add a knob of salty butter to a suitably sized frying pan on medium heat. Once the butter melts and begins to foam, add the white bread coating both sides with the molten butter until golden brown. You could kid yourself that substituting brown bread would be a healthier option but…

2. Crisp the bacon up in a separate frying pan. You might like to try honey-cured bacon. I personally have used olive oil. Remove and drain on kitchen towel.

3. Spread both slices of golden brown fried bread with crunchy peanut butter. Alternatively, spread one slice with peanut butter and the other with chocolate spread, unless of course you have a ready-made supply of chocolate-covered bacon.

4. Slice or mash up your banana and spread over one slice of fried bread. At this point you might wish to drizzle a little honey over.

5. Place your freshly fried bacon slices on top of the banana and top with the other slice of fried bread.

6. Eat straight away. Enjoy!

A veritable orgasm in your mouth, I think you’ll agree 

An arguably healthier alternative blandwich...

Disclaimer - I take no responsibility for burst arteries, exploding heart valves or indeed any other medical condition that could be attributed to using this recipe.

How do you boil eggs? The answer to this is carefully. What we need to do first of all is memorise a few very important rules. Don’t ever boil eggs that have come straight from the refrigerator, because very cold eggs plunged straight into hot water are likely to crack. Always use a kitchen timer – trying to guess the timing or even remembering to look at your watch can be hazardous. Never over-boil eggs (you won’t if you have a timer) – this is the cardinal sin because the yolks will turn black and the texture will be like rubber. If the eggs are very fresh (less than four days old), allow an extra 30 seconds on each timing.

The perfect boiled egg?

Always use a small saucepan – eggs with too much space to career about and crash into one another while they cook are likely to crack. Never have the water fast boiling; a gentle simmer is all they need. Remember that eggs have a pocket at their wide end where air collects and, during the boiling, pressure can build up and cause cracking. A simple way to deal with this is to make a pinprick in the rounded end of the shell, which will allow the steam to escape.

Soft-boiled eggs

Obviously, every single one of us has a personal preference as to precisely how we like our eggs cooked. Over the years I have found a method that is both simple and reliable, and the various timings set out here seem to accommodate all tastes. First of all have a small saucepan filled with enough simmering water to cover the eggs by about 1/2 inch (1 cm). Then quickly but gently lower the eggs into the water, one at a time, using a tablespoon. Now switch the timer on and give the eggs exactly 1 minute’s simmering time. Then remove the pan from the heat, put a lid on it and set the timer again, giving the following timings:

6 minutes will produce a soft, fairly liquid yolk and a white that is just set but still quite wobbly.
7 minutes will produce a firmer, more creamy yolk with a white that is competely set.

On the subject of eating soft-boiled eggs, I personally am willing to take the risk. As a general practice, though, it is not advisable to serve these to vulnerable groups, such as very young children, pregnant women, the elderly or anyone weakened by serious illness.

TIP – If you prefer to have the yolk sit more central within the white, gently stir the eggs for a minute or two once in the pan. This gentle spinning will center the yolk.

It would be pure folly to even attempt to explain the train of thought which eventually led to the Australia-shaped pizza but it was fun, if only for me.

I needed an image that I could manipulate, particularly it’s size, without losing quality. I immediately assumed that this was a job for the indomitable Photoshop with which I have little skill and even less patience to learn and so I enquired on a number of graphics-related discussion fora.

The initial response was “make your own” and unsurprisingly, “Pizza Hut” received an honorary mention but eventually, the more mature creative minds offered some useful advice regarding likely candidates and methods for accomplishing the task. However, I would prefer to shave my backside with a blunt, rusty razor and slide down an embankment of nettles on my arse than get to grips with Photoshop, Paint Shop Pro or Corel Draw and not just because I can’t be arsed but more due to the expense involved to use legitimate licensed software.

According to my research, none of the umpteen pizzerias in Bendigo do an Australia-shaped pizza. It would have been simpler to order, photograph and eat. So, even though I [rolleyes]‘d at the original, seemingly unhelpful fora replies, I found myself actually making my own rustic pizza. I’m glad I did.

Pizza is incredibly simple to make and there’s no reason why everyone who likes pizza, shouldn’t be able to make their own. In fact, learning to DIY will not only save you money but you’ll appreciate them more as they taste so much nicer than their commercial cousins.

The Dough

2 Cups of plain flour (bread flour if you have it)

3/4 Cup of warm water

1 tsp of salt

1 tsp sugar

2 tbls olive oil

7/8 gms yeast (usually 1 packet)

Sauce and toppings of your choice

Add yeast to warm water.

Mix dry ingredients together in a bowl. Add water and yeast mix and the olive oil. Mix and knead into a ball until slightly sticky. Add more flour too sticky or water if too dry. Little olive oil wiped around the bottom part of the bowl. Drop ball of dough in, cover with cellophane wrap and leave somewhere warm to rise.

Once risen by about 50%, remove and flatten on a lightly floured surface. If you can flatten to about 3-5 mm by hand, great. My dough was so elastic that I struggled even with a rolling pin.

Top with the sauce and your preferred toppings. Bake at 2.20 fan assisted, higher for regular.

The result might not look particularly appetizing but my children loved it!

A pizza shaped like Australia! Struth!

Now, don’t forget that this produced an edible pizza, ultimately for creating the Australia shape. What it certainly has done is inspire me to learn how to make a great pizza and in due course, I will be posting updates using new dough recipes, sauces and methods, while I experiment to find my favourite combo.

There are hundreds of dough variations and a confusing amount of cooking methods but before I even begin, I am going to guess that the winner will be the humble cheese and tomato Margarita. Second place will probably go to a slightly richer calzone with pepperoni.

This is what I am aiming for…

The perfect pizza base!

Anyway, stay tuned and I will share what I find.

The BBC report today that Chef McDonald (no relation to Ronald) of the Selfridges department store restaurant, has come up with the world’s most expensive gourmet sarnie, a snip at £85!

The McDonald Sandwich, as it is to be known, is filled with Wagyu beef, fresh lobe foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise, brie de meaux, rocket, red pepper and mustard confit and English plum tomatoes, all delicately stacked between 24 hour fermented sour-dough bread. A rather rich beef club sandwich you might think and you’d certainly need a bob or two to be able to afford one but the ingredients are not simply your average supermarket faire.

An expensive sarnie

The Wagyu beef, also known as Kobe-style beef, comes from a Japanese breed of cattle famed for it’s marbling characteristics and tenderness but more so for being reared on beer and grain and receiving regular massages with Sake. Incidentally, Australia, known to have the best Kobe beef outside of Japan, export their produce back to Japan as well as US, Europe and the Middle East.

All said and done, £85 ($182 AUD) is somewhat obscene and decadent but believe it or not The McDonald is still not the most expensive sandwich in the world. No, that dubious honour goes to the ‘von Essen Platinum Club Sandwich’ costing £100 ($214 AUD).

An even more expensive sarnie!

The most expensive club sandwich boasts ingredients of Iberico ham, poulet de Bresse, white truffles, quail eggs, semi-dried Italian tomatoes and 24-hour fermented sour dough bread, and weighs in at 530 grams, that’s over half a kilo? “…for a bloody ham sarnie?” I hear you protest. Well, in fairness, the extremely rare ham is air-cured for nearly 30 months and comes from a black-footed pig. Ah, it all becomes clear now.

The Earl of Sandwich would be turning in his grave!