Gobbledegeek 2.o

Telling your parents you’re gay!

I hate the fact that I find it extremely difficult to sleep and ‘er indoors is forever telling me to visit the quack but tonight I was fortunate to be a light sleeper-cum-insomniac.

An unnatural noise outside caught my attention where random wind-related sounds don’t. Given that the missus is working away in Melbourne, I couldn’t wake her to deal with it and so I had little choice but to drag myself out of bed. A sneaky peak out between the blinds revealed some low-life miscreant creeping up the driveway.

Being ever so courageous, I poked my head out of the front door and politely greeted the bugger! Yes, I actually called out “hello?” My God! What was I thinking? I immediately came to my senses and attempted to rescue the awkward (for me at least) situation with some choice expletives but the little sod was obviously so confused and startled by my effeminate (particularly blonde) initial greeting, that he had long since scarpered.

Fearing law suits from the neighbours, I darted back in and donned my shorts and flip flops (thongs in ‘Stralian) but he was long gone; or so I thought.

I spotted a girls bike on the other side of the road, lying on the grass and having just watched a stellar performance by Robert Downey in Sherlock Holmes, I was inspired to deduce that this could be the prowlers getaway vehicle and so took a photo as evidence. I would have dusted for prints there and then but not having the appropriate training in forensic science, I decided I couldn’t be arsed. Anyway, the little git was probably going to be back for it.

At this point I thought it prudent to inform the authorities.

If only I hadn’t popped inside for a deserved smoke, I’d have caught the not-very-good-burgler because as I walked down the driveway to wait for the police, the would be tinker sprinted from the cul-de-sac, grabbed his girly getaway bike and shot off down the road with a parting “Fark you!”

Charming! I thought as I made a lame attempt at running after him in my traditional Aussie footwear. He disappeared out of site around the corner where I noticed the lights of a car turning in the road. I assumed this was either an accomplice manning a more suitable getaway vehicle or the troops arriving in the nick of time.

It turned out to be the police after all and not only did they collar the little criminal around the corner, they picked up his loyal partner in crime. Apparently, they admitted to being out harvesting parts for their BMX bikes.

The Bungling BMX Bandits of Bendigo!

Gobbledegeek 2 Bendigo BMX Bandits 0

The Girly Getaway Vehicle

…in the head!

A Maiden Gully uber-hoon makes a late claim for “Cockhead of the Year Award’ by dobbing himself in. I know what you’re thinking, that these imbeciles surely can’t get any more moronic, but if this article from The Advertiser is to be believed, then the 26 year old subject has surely set the standard. No wonder Bendigo Police carted him off to hospital for an assessment!

On a related note, I’m seriously struggling with superlatives for these numpties, so if you have any you’d like to share, feel free to post below.

Along with hoons, should we really encourage them to reproduce?

Stupid, moronic, idiotic, extremely sad, misguided, brainless, slow, halitosis-ridden, slightly gay! Yes, fuck heads abound when you happen upon a room pustulously populated with that heady, if musty, mix of half-witted hoons and slow-witted Scientologists!

Following the tragic and untimely death of his son Jett, poor John Travolta has let slip that he intends to leave the Church (sic) of Cockheads because he’s dissillusioned with their comic-book based belief that autism, regarded as psychosomatic, should be treated with vitamins and a detox program, no less!. John, you’re not a hoon from Bendigo! Pull yourself together, engage your brain and ditch these sad simpletons!

It is also reported that the church’s response to the teenager’s death has been to conduct “intensive sessions” with so-called ethics officers, whose job is to question Travolta and other family members to determine if their “negative influences” caused the tragedy.

Johnny boy, when are you and Tommy going to realise that this is not a church in any shape or form in the conventional sense but little more than an elaborate fad. Unfortunately, one must validate these Martian member-munchers by labeling them as a cult (C-U-L-T) Yes, I know, it’s very close! How any reasonably sane person can regard these idiots as being members of a valid religion, is beyond me and I’m really fucking intelligent. Members? Yes! Part of a genuine religion? Me thinketh not!

Rick Ross, an author who has watched the church for 30 years, was quoted as saying that can be a dangerous move for any high-profile practitioner.

“Scientology keeps files on its celebrity members containing embarrassing personal information about them,” he said.

“And Scientology has proven in the past that it has a penchant for releasing that information to embarrass people who have left and who have said things it doesn’t like.”

What sort of ‘religion’ would do such a thing? And anyway, how embarrassing could it be? We already know that you’re one of these misguided misfits.

Seriously John, call me!