Gobbledegeek 2.o

Sorry, I just couldn’t resist.

Yes, this is indeed Amy Winehouse

…but there’s so much evidence…

Zombification sets in

…here are two fucked up zombies together…

Zombies rely on each other for support

It wasn’t that long ago that the British peoples were spilling each others blood on the battlefield and even though we now coexist under one united banner, (blame the Act of Union) not a great deal has changed . These days our battlefields are the rugby parks of Twickenham, Croke Park, Murrayfield and The Millenium Stadium, where lines are drawn and blood frequently spilt. But as serious as a rugby union international is, there is nothing but humorous banter between supporters.

That said, the Celtic Nations band together, united against the Olde Enemy that is England. Of course, we hope and pray that our own team will prevail but if the truth be known, we don’t care who wins as long as it’s not the English.

The Stereophonics voiced this sentiment by putting this little ditty together…

Let it not be said that the Scots have no sense of humour. Slanj, the renowned Scottish kilt manufacturer, has added a couple of highly amusing t-shirts to its line of recreational wear which has caught the unwanted attention of Grampian Police.

An officer called in to advise the store “to consider whether the display was appropriate and should be removed”, in relation to thier ‘Anyone But England’ t-shirts. It was suggested that the t-shirts might be construde as rasist.

Read the full article here.

The t-shirts have been produced for this Summer’s World Cup in South Africa and include one for the unofficial supporters club of the teams England will compete with in Group C.

Racist? Do me a favour! I think they’re bloody hilarious and I’m going to buy some!

Anyone but the English

Group C Supporters Club

So as another crap year draws to a close I thought I might proffer one final peice of inane literary tripe by exposing some of the sick and depraved who frequent Gobbledegeek 2.0. by summarising the search strings that lured them here during 2009.

The comprehensive visitor statistics gathered by WordPress detail, amongst numerous other things, precisely the site from whence you came, the browser you used, your IP address,  and best of all, the search string you used (which obviously resulted in a link here)!

Without a doubt, the most frequently used search string in 2009 was any variation of ‘Nude photos of Julia Gillard‘ for Christ’s sake (original post). I still cannot fathom why anyone would be searching for nude photos of the Welsh red-headed politician (no offence J). The runner up is the very steady performer that is any variation of ‘simple pizza recipe‘. The one-eyed, almost but not quite, entirely unlike, quasi-serial killer ‘Barry Rochford‘ is behind bars in third (original post). For those in search of ‘telstra customer service‘, let’s face it, it’s an oxymoron (like ‘happily married’ or low calorie ‘chocolate covered bacon‘). You’re not going to find it. It’s like Shangri-bloody-la!

I would also like to highlight some of the slightly more odd searches that have resulted in your  arrival at my doors! These are just a few:

• want suck my dick bendigo (sic) – no thanks. I’m still digesting Christmas turkey and how in God’s name did that get you here?
• bendigo peadophiles (sic) – were you looking for their home page?
• barry rochford is dead – err, sadly not true.
• are welshmen poms – no they are not! Who searched for this?
• axedale pig farts – don’t they all?
• hoons are human too – and Australia will win the soccer World Cup!

So remember, if your Googling includes embarrassing search strings and you end up here, I have your IP address and I may just use it! You know who you are!

“So long and thanks for all the fish” or if you prefer, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!

Along with hoons, should we really encourage them to reproduce?

Local CFA fire fighters were called out to a suspected gas leak in Axedale near Bendigo, only to discover a fat farting pig the cause of their callout.

Axedale fire captain Peter Harkins says the pig’s owner had alerted authorities.

“He was a little bit embarrassed to say the least. It took us a little while to compose ourselves, to speak to him,” he said.

Full article.

Not a fat pig farting!

As the furore over the lip-synching-and-very-little-else debacle plaguing the one-time pop princess Britney Spears continues, an amusing comment on News.com caught my eye…

Jimi Baggins of Brisbane Posted at 10:25am today

I think theres a word for people that dance, don’t sing and wear very little. STRIPPERS!

…pure class!

Britney and Madge Sync Lips

I find it not a little disturbing that the vast majority of visitors come here by way of a Google search for nude photos of Julia Gillard! This is the reason why they come, ergo the reason the post appears in Google’s search results but is anyone able to explain to me why one would be Googling for images of Australia’s Deputy Prime Minister in her birthday suit?

No disrespect Julia but there’s only one thing slightly more disturbing and that would be the notion that some people search for explicit imagery of Kevin Rudd!

For those of you who have arrived here in the false hope of seeing The Honourable Ms Gillard in the buff, I apologise for the anti-climax but offer the following snippet of trivia instead…

…the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia was born in Wales, no less and if you’ve read anything else on here, the significance of that statement will be clear.

Waving it for Wales!

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth our Prime Minister Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said, “As I’m the Prime Minister, I’m thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I’m thinking that it should be a Kingdom.”

The Queen replied, “I’m sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge and you’re not a King.”

Rudd thought a while and then said: “How about a Principality then?”

To which the Queen replied, “Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince and you’re not a Prince, Mr. Rudd.”

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with “How about an Empire then?”

Kevin and the queen

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied, “Sorry again, Mr. Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor.”

Before Rudd could utter another word, the Queen said, “I think you’re doing quite nicely as a country.”

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

DAVE BARRY

Water is precious!

I have just been sent this heads up from a friend and thought it my duty to share.

Should you receive an email with the subject ‘Nude Photo of Julia Gillard’, STOP! DO NOT OPEN!

It contains a nude photo of Julia Gillard!

Judges at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival came up with 27 jokes for viewers to vote on and Dan Antopolski topped the list.

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

• 1) Dan Antopolski – “Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”

• 2) Paddy Lennox – “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’.”

• 3) Sarah Millican – “I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they’re up where they belong.”

• 4) Zoe Lyons – “I went on a girls’ night out recently. The invitation said ‘dress to kill’. I went as Rose West.”

• 5) Jack Whitehall – “I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

• 6) Adam Hills – “Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough.”

• 7) Marcus Brigstocke – “To the people who’ve got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn’t invent it!”

• Eight) Rhod Gilbert – “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.”

• 9) Dan Antopolski – “I’ve been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I’ve seen it six times and there isn’t.”

• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) – “I started so many fights at my school – I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn’t finish a lot of them.”

Some of the worst are noted below but I actually found them quite amusing…

• Carey Marx – “I’m not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that’s bad.”

• Frank Woodley – “I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling.”

• Alex Maple – “Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children.”

• Phil Nichol – “She’s got a face like a rare Chinese vase – minging.”

• Alistair McGowan – “I’ve just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we’d sat down a bit more…”

I sooo identify with this (from Macca) that I had to post and share…

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race … you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework … you’re a pansy. If you work too hard … there’s never any time for her. If you don’t work enough ….. you’re a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay … this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ….. you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her … that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ….. its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks … its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ….. its male indifference. If you cry … you’re a wimp. If you don’t ….. you’re an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her …… you’re a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy … that’s domination. If SHE asks you … it’s a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ….. you’re a pervert. If you don’t … you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape … you’re sexist. If you don’t … you’re unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ….. you’re vain. If you don’t … you’re a slob. If you buy her flowers … you’re after something. If you don’t … you’re not thoughtful. If you’re proud of your achievements … you’re full of yourself. If you don’t … you’re not ambitious. If she has a headache … she’s tired. If you have a headache ….. you don’t love her anymore. If you want it too often … you’re oversexed. If you don’t … there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!

It seems I can’t go in far in Bendigo without the misplaced tag of ‘Pom’ being aimed in my direction. I’m Welsh and proud of it. Certainly, my accent is English rather than the songful tones of Welsh (the product of a Nomadic military background and public school, I’m afraid) but just as impossible it is for me to distinguish the regional differences of the Australian language, so too can it be said of the Aussies and the regional dialects of the British Isles. English, Irish, Scottish or Welsh, Brummie, Cockney, Glaswegian or Valleys’, they are all English to our antipodean cousins (or should that be ‘antipodal’?).

While this all encompassing, if inaccurate label causes no offence to me, it does to some. This is especially so when preceded by ‘whinging’ or ‘bloody’ and whilst the precise etymology eludes me, it is worth noting that even the Australians are unsure of exactly where or how the word ‘Pom’ originated.

This seemingly innocuous little word can and does become considerably more offensive with a change of inflection and an accompaniment of choice vulgar adjectives. The phrase transforms from a jovial term of endearment or playful jibe, to vitriolic slander meant to pique one’s good nature.

And so I find myself explaining that I am in fact Welsh and not English (British, if the concept seems too hard to grasp due to a long night in the company of alcohol) with alarming regularity and when I occasionally do have a moan, I begin by explaining this fact in the hope I might avoid being referred to as a ‘bloody whinging Pom’. This often saves a great deal of unnecessary protracted conversation afterwards on such topics as the British Empire, the Prince of Wales, the Celts, the Queen, the Welsh Language, the Welsh Assembly, Margaret Thatcher, rugby, the precise location of Wales, cricket and Tom Jones.

An acceptable alternative to ‘Pom’ would be to use the tag ‘Brit‘ instead. It’s short (and we all know how Aussies love to shorten every word in the Australian English dictionary and then some), easy to spell but above all, accurate. It should be pointed out that the nationality of everyone holding a UK passport is in fact British and not English, Irish, Scottish or Welsh!

If you are reading this, then the chances are that you are just slightly/somewhat/rabidly (delete as required) curious about Bendigo Forums or else very lost. The following information is for the benefit of the former, although the material is for general consumption and so encourage the latter to read on regardless. It goes some way to explain what the site aims to do, why it was created and by whom.

Created back in early 2007, this modest little site was born with communication in mind; the collation, discussion and dissemination of information. You might think that there is already enough of this sort of mundane tripe parked up and down the ‘Information Super Highway’ and that by adding to it, I’m merely wasting valuable bandwidth, not to mention burning a hole in my pocket. However, my mate Google informed me that Bendigo did not have any significant online discussion board or at least one that wasn’t affiliated with a commercial venture and so I took it upon myself to create Bendigo Forums. 

“How very altruistic and philanthropic of you.” I hear you think but the truth is that my family and I were new to the region and tools such as the Interwebthingy and Bendigo Forums, enable us to network, discover the region, answer questions, share views, discuss local and national issues and who knows, maybe even make real friends (As in ugly bags of mostly water as opposed to the virtual ones who exist only in Cyberspace).

Forums, sometimes referred to as discussion boards, are unlike conventional chat room facilities in that participants are not required to be present at any given time in order to take part. They can log in and read or join in the discussion when it’s convenient for them. Also, each individual discussion has its own unique thread which is in turn filed within the relevant subject category. These categories are created in advance by me or the nominated Moderators but should demand prove it worthwhile, additional categories can be easily added. The various topics are saved so that they might be visited at any time in the future and thus serve as a useful archive.

The great thing about forums is that as virtual meeting places, they do not discriminate against race, religion, age, sex, disability or even which AFL team you follow. Forums and their users are neither affected nor restricted by time or location. They are open to anyone at anytime from anywhere on the planet (with the possible exception of Belarus, Burma, China, Cuba, Egypt, Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan and Vietnam who have recently been ‘blacklisted’ as ‘enemies of the Internet’ by human rights group Reporters Without Borders  ).

Bendigo Forums aims to be a family-friendly, fun and informative free resource for anyone and everyone with an interest in Bendigo, Victoria, Australia and as such, I encourage you to pop over there now and sign up for your free membership and get posting now!

Above all, I hope this site will be of some use to someone, somewhere but if nothing else have fun!

You might also like to read Bendigo Forums.

– Australian noun