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"Bask in my surly malcontent, for I am curmudgeon"

Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes

Judges at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival came up with 27 jokes for viewers to vote on and Dan Antopolski topped the list.

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

• 1) Dan Antopolski – “Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”

• 2) Paddy Lennox – “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’.”

• 3) Sarah Millican – “I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they’re up where they belong.”

• 4) Zoe Lyons – “I went on a girls’ night out recently. The invitation said ‘dress to kill’. I went as Rose West.”

• 5) Jack Whitehall – “I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

• 6) Adam Hills – “Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough.”

• 7) Marcus Brigstocke – “To the people who’ve got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn’t invent it!”

• Eight) Rhod Gilbert – “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.”

• 9) Dan Antopolski – “I’ve been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I’ve seen it six times and there isn’t.”

• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) – “I started so many fights at my school – I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn’t finish a lot of them.”

Some of the worst are noted below but I actually found them quite amusing…

• Carey Marx – “I’m not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that’s bad.”

• Frank Woodley – “I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling.”

• Alex Maple – “Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children.”

• Phil Nichol – “She’s got a face like a rare Chinese vase – minging.”

• Alistair McGowan – “I’ve just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we’d sat down a bit more…”

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