RAAF Base Tindal scrambled two F-35A jets this morning to intercept an Airnorth flight after suspicions were raised about an unusual flight pattern when it departed Darwin airport on time. Airnorth has been hit with a series of cancellations following an administration oversight: the firm recently found out that they needed to pay people to fly their aircraft and maintain their fleet, which hadn’t been factored into their recruitment plans.
Set amidst the rugged splendor of the Australian Outback, two fun-loving drifters, Singing raconteur Phil O’Brien and ex Jailbird Al Zimdahl come across a French beauty ‘Elisa’, alone in the middle of nowhere, and on a mission to find what she really wants out of life. A gifted Singer and musician, the bright lights of Paris and her Fathers business caused her disillusion, and she’d thrown herself into the empty vastness of the Northern Territory hoping to find answers.
Local real estate agent, the eternally puissant Annabelline Stealmore-Lifeblood is set to introduce an innovative approach to the town’s perennial housing crisis – a Thunderdome in which residents do battle for an affordable home.
The Thunderdome, to be built on the outskirts of Nhulunbuy by yet another interstate construction firm promising local training and jobs, will be governed by one simple rule – ‘two enter, one leaves…with an asbestos-free* (*conditions apply), Rio-owned unit of your choice’.
It is expected that Imparja will secure the rights to broadcast live Thunderdome contests and also a lucrative Saturday night highlights package.
“There’s nothing I like more than watching impoverished plebs batter each other into submission for my personal entertainment,” said one well-to-do local who asked to remain anonymous.
Some employees from sectors other than mining and government were dubious of the plan.
“Right, so it’s not enough that I have to take out a mortgage to fly in and out of my hometown, that I have to wait 6 weeks for Winellie to regurgitate my mail or that my career prospects are dependent on my ability to look enthusiastic when I hear ‘clean-up on aisle 3′,” said young a young local who also asked to remain anonymous.
“Now the only way I can secure sensibly priced housing is through brutal voyeuristic combat.”
“The region’s decision-makers couldn’t show me any more contempt if one of them came ’round and shat on my dining room table.”
It is understood that DEAL may have once toyed with the idea of offering a small number of sensibly-priced units to local residents who expressed a desire to remain in the region post-curtailment, and continue to plow their below average wages into the local economy, but as that would likely infuriate the region’s plutocracy and particularly real estate agents and their alleged burgeoning list of businesses falling over each other to relocate to the region, it was decided that the Thunderdome plan was slightly less stupid.
A MAN believes he is going to get his deposit back from a local real estate agent.
Julian Cook plans to move in the coming weeks and told friends he will use part of his returned deposit towards a house-warming party.
Cook said: “Once my agent gives me my $2500 and my kidney back, no questions asked and without any attempt to try and keep them for even the smallest stain, then I’ll be good to go.”
“Sure, the apartment’s had a few knocks since I moved in but that’s just normal wear and tear, there’s no way the landlord will try and make out like I’ve somehow betrayed her trust just by living in it. That would be unfair.”
Real estate agent, The Eternally Puissant Annabelline Stealmore-Lifeblood said: “Of course I’m going to return his deposit, just like I definitely put it into that protected no interest deposit scheme thing in the first place. Just like I addressed the numerous issues with the property in a timely and courteous manner without claiming it was the tenant’s responsibility.”
“I am a real estate agent after all. We’re known for being easygoing, likeable people who are more concerned with helping others than getting our hands on their cash.”
Cook’s friend Emma Bradford said: “Maybe there’s a gas leak in the flat and it’s messing with his brain.”
Real estate agent, The Eternally Puissant Annabelline Stealmore-Lifeblood, has boldly claimed that it’ll be a bloody cold day in the Sahara before considering reducing the unfeasibly high rents.
Stealmore-Lifeblood, who lists Five Families: The Rise, Decline, and Resurgence of America’s Most Powerful Mafia Empires by Selwyn Raab as a favourite bedtime read on her Faceache page, made the bold claim that snow would lie over the Sahara desert before she considered the community and its long-term prosperity above her desire to claw in more money and hold court over decent folk with low to average incomes and families to support.
After a thick fall of snow blanketed the famous desert overnight, scientists who were asked to explain the phenomenon suggested that “Stealmore-Lifeblood is such an anathema to both God and nature that both have suspended normal operation to fuck her over”.
When asked if they were expecting any long term effects from the snowfall, they confirmed that they had observed a permanent increase of pressure in the dangerously throbbing vein just above her temple.
“Oh shit”, the potty-mouthed panjandrum and denizen of despair exclaimed when told of the snowfall.
“Shit, shit, shit”, she continued.
“I didn’t think it actually snowed in the desert.”
“What would Selwyn Raab have to say? I will be seeking illegal advice” she added.
Stealmore-Lifeblood later confirmed that rents would remain at the current obscenely inflated rates while her interests remained compatible with the dying town’s iniquitous overlords, all the while silently encouraged by a toothless and passive community.
Still, if nothing else, we can run pictures of the snowfall on the desert and say it proves there’s no such thing as global warming.
Yesterday, I was feeling vaguely charitable (read curious) and so released everyone from cyber-Coventry (my ‘Blocked’ list). There were approximately 40 and they were no doubt overwhelmed with the joyous news of my gracious and forgiving act.
Would you Adam and Eve it, by lunch today ‘The Witless Six’ and ‘The Irksome Eight’ have already made compelling cases to be returned permanently, have their English teachers investigated, their priests investigated or their parents sterilised.
Alarmingly, some of this special ensemble hold positions of responsibility in society.
And yes, I am a grumpy old git with a moderate chance of making my fiftieth (please refer to quote/tattoo below).
“Bask in my surly malcontent, for I am curmudgeon.” – Me, Christmas 2014.
Have a great day!
Bask in my surly malcontent, for I am curmudgeon
Bill Hearne, Christmas 2014.
“Julia Gillard porn?” I hear you exclaim.
Yes. It all started with this rather innocuous mini-post, way back on the 8th September 2009.
And so to reaffirm the clear message in this post, you will not find any dodgy Julia Gillard imagery here, sorry.
Traditional Scottish/Italian fare with a baked bean twist.
Chop half a small onion and fry gently in a little butter.
Next, break up a generous slice of pre-cooked haggis from Rob’s in Dandenong, mix with the onion and combine with a small tin of baked beans before plastering the mixture evenly over your home-made pizza base. Call me a snob but you can’t go wrong with Heinz Baked Beanz.
Cover with an equal mix of grated cheddar and Mozzarella, then finished off with a good pinch of mixed/Italian herbs.
Cook in the oven as you would any less exotic pizza and Robert’s your uncle!
Slice, serve and wash down with your favourite Scotch.
There is a fun bonus if you wait until after the kids have finished before listing the ingredients in haggis…..
Photographic evidence of zombies!