My Charitable Gesture

Yesterday, I was feeling vaguely charitable (read curious) and so released everyone from cyber-Coventry (my ‘Blocked’ list). There were approximately 40 and they were no doubt overwhelmed with the joyous news of my gracious and forgiving act.

Would you Adam and Eve it, by lunch today ‘The Witless Six’ and ‘The Irksome Eight’ have already made compelling cases to be returned permanently, have their English teachers investigated, their priests investigated or their parents sterilised.

Alarmingly, some of this special ensemble hold positions of responsibility in society.

And yes, I am a grumpy old git with a moderate chance of making my fiftieth (please refer to quote/tattoo below).

“Bask in my surly malcontent, for I am curmudgeon.” – Me, Christmas 2014.

Have a great day!

Axe Murdering Rapist Walks Out of Open Prison – Shock, Horror, Disbelief Ensue


From our friends at the Northern Territory Police, Fire and Emergency Services

Edward (Eddie) James HorrellEscape Custody – Nhulunbuy


Northern Territory Police are searching for a prisoner who is reported to have absconded from the Correctional Services work camp in Nhulunbuy overnight.


Edward (Eddie) James Horrell, aged 62, is described as being 170cm tall, medium build and was wearing a blue and yellow hi-vis button up shirt and dark blue shorts.


Horrell has a number of convictions for violent offences including rape, manslaughter and murder. Nhulunbuy Police are conducting enquiries with known associates and family members of Horrell in an effort to locate him.


If sighted members of the public are urged not to approach him and to contact Police immediately.


Likewise anyone who has information on his current or intended whereabouts are urged to contact Police as a matter of urgency on 131 444 or Crime Stoppers on 1800 333 000. In an emergency call 000.



This convicted axe murderer and rapist waltzed out of our low-security open prison here in Nhulunbuy. It wasn’t long ago that the government assured the community that only low-risk offenders would be accommodated in Datjala Work Camp. Their website even states…


The facility can accommodate up to 50 sentenced and remand, low and open-security male prisoners. No sex offenders or prisoners of public interest are considered for placement.


Horrible Horrell was apparently seen doing some last minute grocery shopping at nearby Woolworths before continuing on his merry way. It is also rumoured that a position has become available at the work camp to monitor security cameras in the event the brazen walk-out encourages others to leave at will.

I have it on very good authority that 3 sex offenders were hastily flown out of town today in what stinks suspiciously of damage control.

Lara Bingle Continues Cringeworthy Baby Naming Tradition

By the time your fourth child arrives, you have probably exhausted your favourite baby names and the task of selecting a suitable moniker becomes more laborious. I get it, the missus and I had to do it five times (and name them).

Naming the firstborn was simple. A tradition in our family is naming the first son William. Job’s a good ‘un with the addition of Benjamin.

Next came Rhiannon Caitlin, a nod to my Welsh heritage and sticking with the Welsh (and Hebrew root if you want to be pedantic), we chose Madlen Tyleri for our third.

Naming our fourth child was a little more difficult but we stayed with the Celtic roots and leant towards the Irish (and one could argue Norse Viking) with Padraig Somhairlidh (Sorley). Historical linguistic academics still argue over the roots of Somhairlidh but we won’t go into that here, the point was that we put time, effort and thought into choosing a suitable name; a lot more than we expected to.

Staying with what we knew best, Cellan (keth-lan) Tomás came along. To be honest, I was keen on calling him Max (get it?).

We choose names for different reasons. We choose names based on our heritage. We choose names which hold personal meaning for us, honour others or continue a tradition. And then we have Lara…

rocket zodLara Bingle is reportedly upset after being publicly vilified by the International press for naming her sprog Rocket Zot. Really Lara? What did you expect? Naming your child after your late father is heartfelt, commonplace and acceptable. Giving your child your dad’s nickname, however, requires thought and common sense, both of which you demonstrably lack. Naming your child Rocket Zot is ridiculously self-indulgent and will very likely result in years of school playground abuse and probably decades of therapy for the hapless child. That said, Zot is probably not the worse nickname in the world (‘fucktard’ and ‘gaybo’ spring to mind) but getting ‘creative’ with kid’s names is a cringeworthy and narcissistic trend which has to stop.

A word about the nauseating trend of fusing two words or names together to create one truly repugnant abomination i.e. Leonya, Victasia, Kesleigh. Stop it, you fucking retards!

I would like to congratulate Lara and Sam, and wish baby all the very best for the future.

Note to baby: Deed Poll

Potty Principal Mars Mt Martha Primary School

A crazy primary school principal has banned touching at a primary school in Victoria.

The Mt Martha Primary School principal has extended a ban on contact sports to include all physical contact between students. No hugs, no high fives, no tag, no footy, no pats on the back and definitely no formal greetings.

A clearly delusional Judy Beckworth was reported to have said,

I don’t believe that’s it’s taking it too far, and that it’s not actually an overreaction.

The school’s potty principal claims that the unannounced rule change was in response to recent playground injuries and that anyone caught touching would be punished with ‘counselling sessions’.

They are given time to reflect. It’s like a counselling session

Get a bloody grip, woman!

It is alleged that a concerned parent contacted the school and was told they were doing it because staff on yard duty couldn’t tell the difference between aggression and friendly play.

Let’s not forget that these are the actions of the very same galactically challenged (don’t know what planet she’s on) space cadet who threatened to cut the school’s curriculum if parents didn’t make voluntary payments and demanded parents pay a $200 fee to cover toilet rolls.

Children need playgrounds to develop social skills and to test and learn physical limits. They do this by experiential learning; kids need to experience contact and inevitably, pain, in order to learn acceptable norms and their own safe limits.

To say Beckworth has lost touch is a gross understatement and she should be removed from her post before her insane policies cause irreparable damage to pupils.

Read all the madness here.

The Gillard-Ling Mashup (Sorry – No porn!)

julia gillard and cameron ling mashupThank God! At last I can post something related to Julia Gillard that won’t be discovered by Googling for porn!

“Julia Gillard porn?” I hear you exclaim.

Yes. It all started with this rather innocuous mini-post, way back on the 8th September 2009.

Traffic really exploded, as explained in this follow-up post but for a detailed breakdown in the disturbing Gillard-related traffic, read this post.

And so to reaffirm the clear message in this post, you will not find any dodgy Julia Gillard imagery here, sorry.


Bullies Deserve A Kick in the Bollocks, Period.

I am sick to death of the number of surveys, reports and associated do-gooders stating how we must treat bullies and the bullied. Much of it comes down to pampering their asses or paying professional psychologists to tell us what we already know.

Meeting violence with violence is generally considered unacceptable, I agree. However, dealing with bullies is the exception to the rule!

My (soon to be divorced) missus, does not share my (archaic) views on the treatment of bullies.

My (significantly worse other half) wife is in agreement with the authorities who claim that violence is not the solution. She was obviously bullied as a brat and hardly surprising really, anyone who represents their country in nagging deserves to be bullied in my view but I digress, I preach hitting back and she preaches…..well, she just preaches.

Sadly, I read too many articles like this one:

Bullies kick schoolboy until his spleen ruptures

“Fight back” I say

Kick the fucker in the bollocks and I will personally guarantee that the Neanderthal with never touch you again.

It’s simple, bullies are cowards. This is one assessment the overly paid tossers with clipboards have actually got right. They feel a need to be in control and they want others to see you being hurt by them.

This slightly homosexual tendency is easily remedied by a swift kick to the obviously underused groin area. Even better is a very quick and powerful punch to the lower pelvic region. Delivering a reasonably powerful blow just above the seldom-used tool will actually separate the pelvic girdle in two and reduce the power-hungry penis muncher to a blubbering mess who will think, not twice, but three times before attempting to force themselves on others.

Cowboys and bullies don't appreciate being kicked in the bollocks

I remember a particularly ‘wannabe’ hard man and all round unloved soul at school, who thought it wise to continually poke the bear with a short stick. One day the bear decided that enough was enough and hit back after one too many taunts. The look of surprise was a picture. From that day forward, the bully concentrated his efforts on another.

I remember another bully, although technically a pair of bullies, who terrorised the neighbourhood and who took great pleasure in kicking several blends of shit out of me one day, for no apparent reason. The following day I patiently waited with the utmost criminal intent and when one of the two siblings approached, I took almost perverse pleasure in the tightly clenched fist that connected with his nose, producing an explosion of claret. He went down like a sack of the shit that he was and knew immediately that this act of bravado would result in another beating but didn’t care in the slightest.

I wasn’t wrong. The very next day the brothers, and no doubt in-bred cousins, combined forces and pummelled me in the school playground but even with a bloodied face and sore ribs, I knew I had the upper hand. The brothers/sisters/cousins of that particular family never laid a finger on me again.

Bullies do not like victims that retaliate. A punch on the nose or a knee to the groin will save a child from years of unnecessary physical and psychological torture.

Hearty Hogmanay Haggis & Baked Bean Pizza

Traditional Scottish/Italian fare with a baked bean twist.

Chop half a small onion and fry gently in a little butter.

Next, break up a generous slice of pre-cooked haggis from Rob’s in Dandenong, mix with the onion and combine with a small tin of baked beans before plastering the mixture evenly over your  home-made pizza base. Call me a snob but you can’t go wrong with Heinz Baked Beanz.

Cover with an equal mix of grated cheddar and Mozzarella, then finished off with a good pinch of mixed/Italian herbs.

Cook in the oven as you would any less exotic pizza and Robert’s your uncle!

Slice, serve and wash down with your favourite Scotch.

There is a fun bonus if you wait until after the kids have finished before listing the ingredients in haggis…..


haggis pizza
Haggis and Baked Bean Pizza