News

“I did warn you all that I might lose” insists Conor McGregor

Conor McGregor has defended his defeat at the hands of Floyd Mayweather yesterday by insisting he had warned everyone that a loss was entirely possible.

The ever humble and self-effacing Irish MMA fighter was defeated by technical knockout in the tenth round after a brave but ultimately predictable fight.

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ISIS claim responsibility for letting the dogs out

Crazed cave-dwellers ISIS have finally owned up to being the group who let the dogs out in 2000.

Back at the turn of the millennium, when the party was nice and bumping and everyone was having a ball, the arrival of some unsavoury characters, or ‘dogs’ as they were colloquially known, ruined the party for the lads who were there from the start.

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“It’ll snow on the Sahara before we lower rents”, pledges real estate agent

“Shit, shit, shit!”

Real estate agent, The Eternally Puissant Annabelline Stealmore-Lifeblood, has boldly claimed that it’ll be a bloody cold day in the Sahara before considering reducing the unfeasibly high rents.

Stealmore-Lifeblood, who lists Five Families: The Rise, Decline, and Resurgence of America’s Most Powerful Mafia Empires by Selwyn Raab as a favourite bedtime read on her Faceache page, made the bold claim that snow would lie over the Sahara desert before she considered the community and its long-term prosperity above her desire to claw in more money and hold court over decent folk with low to average incomes and families to support.

After a thick fall of snow blanketed the famous desert overnight, scientists who were asked to explain the phenomenon suggested that “Stealmore-Lifeblood is such an anathema to both God and nature that both have suspended normal operation to fuck her over”.

Artist’s impression of The Eternally Puissant Annabelline Stealmore- Lifeblood

When asked if they were expecting any long term effects from the snowfall, they confirmed that they had observed a permanent increase of pressure in the dangerously throbbing vein just above her temple.

“Oh shit”, the potty-mouthed panjandrum and denizen of despair exclaimed when told of the snowfall.

“Shit, shit, shit”,  she continued.

“I didn’t think it actually snowed in the desert.”

“What would Selwyn Raab have to say? I will be seeking illegal advice” she added.

Stealmore-Lifeblood later confirmed that rents would remain at the current obscenely inflated rates while her interests remained compatible with the dying town’s iniquitous overlords, all the while silently encouraged by a toothless and passive community.

Still, if nothing else, we can run pictures of the snowfall on the desert and say it proves there’s no such thing as global warming.

Everyone To Get A Go Playing For Australia This Summer, Cricket Australia Reassures Nation

Saying he was aware of those who hadn’t yet had a turn, Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland said all Australians would get a go at batting or bowling for the Test team before the summer is over.

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ISIS transports links decimated after NATO hand Mosul contract to Queensland Rail

The so-called Islamic state was brought to its knees this week after a calculated move by NATO saw beleaguered train service, Queensland Rail, handed the transport contract for the terrorist’s last major stronghold, Mosul.

Dozens of suicide bombers were left twiddling their thumbs and prominent evil bastards were left unable to deliver vital information, as delays of up to three hours caused chaos for nefarious commuters.

Head of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, said, “This is wholly unacceptable. I contacted Queensland Rail about the issue, and they had the audacity to direct our disgruntled suicide bombers to a flippin delay-repay website!

“The very nature of the job means they’re highly unlikely to benefit from compensation.”

Transport Minister Stirling Hinchliffe, told us, “Queensland Rail have never, and will never, give a shit about our customers.

“I literally spend my days sipping port and laughing at CCTV footage of tearful commuters calling their kids to tell them they won’t be able to read them a bedtime story.

“It just proves how fickle the world is. NATO is calling us heroes, but essentially our business plan hasn’t changed.

“Whether you’re desperate to get home to your family, or desperate to blow-up someone else’s – we’ll do our best to stop you.”

 

Eighty percent would tell Dickensian Christmas ghosts to bugger off

FOUR out of five people would completely fail to heed the lesson in Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, experts have confirmed.

 

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Hipster claims he was into PSY waaaay before Gangnam Style

Korean internet sensation PSY flies into Australia tonight to promote his hit song Gangnam Style, but one fan says he’d prefer it if the singer played his older material instead.

Melbourne hipster Johnny White says he has been following PSY’s career for over a decade. “I’ve been into PSY since he was doing late night spots at karaoke bars in Seoul and, I gotta tell you, his early material is much better. Things kinda started to go downhill after his 2005 release, Sa Jib.

“Everyone’s just jumping on the bandwagon now, which is unfortunate because it makes the PSY posters in my bedroom look a bit mainstream, although they are originals from 2002”.

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Man Trips Over His Banjo, Accidently Writes Next Mumford & Sons Album

He’s only been learning the instrument a week, but when Melbourne man Jeremy Knight tripped over his banjo in the hallway yesterday he quite literally stumbled across musical stardom, unintentionally penning the entire third studio album for British band Mumford & Sons.

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Barnaby Joyce Volunteers To ‘Look After’ Pistol & Boo, Following Depp, Heard Divorce

The Deputy Prime Minister has put his hand up to help out in whatever way he can, after celebrity couple Johnny Depp and Amber Heard confirmed their divorce this week.

“They’ll have a lot on their minds, a lot of things to work through. All I’m saying is I can take care of the dogs,” Joyce said.

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