News

Jarryd Hayne To Take Nick Kyrgios’s Spot And Pursue Dream Of Playing Olympic Tennis

Former NRL, NFL and Fijian 7s star Jarryd Hayne has jumped at the opportunity to fill Nick Kyrgios’s spot on the Australian Olympic tennis team, saying it was a chance to pursue his lifelong dream.

“Playing for the Parramatta Eels, playing for the San Francisco 49ers, playing for Fiji – all of this was just a stepping stone to going out on court in the men’s singles, and possibly the mixed doubles, in Rio 2016,” Hayne said.

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South Africa Skilfully Exploits Aussies’ Weakness: Cricket

South Africa has convincingly won the second test in Hobart after doggedly honing in on Australia’s Achilles heel – batting, bowling and fielding.

South African captain Faf Du Plassis said it was part of a conscious strategy to outmaneuver the once-dominant Aussies.

“We studied the tapes over the winter and found a specific vulnerability in the Aussies’ game: test match cricket,” he said after the game. “From there it was just a matter of exploiting that weakness by sticking to a plan of playing cricket over and over again for four days. Full credit to the boys for their persistence”.

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Workers Looking Forward To Not Listening To What Colleagues Did For Christmas

Office workers around the country can’t wait to switch right off when their colleagues tell them all about how they spent the Christmas break.

Accounts Manager Sarah Shepherd said she was looking forward to asking her team what they did over the break, and then blankly staring into the middle distance.

“It’s really nice to catch up with everyone again and ignore them while they tell you all the wonderful things they did over the festive season,” she said.

John Smyth, a marketing executive from Sydney, said he relished the opportunity to enthusiastically engage with his staff and pay no attention to what they say. “It’s a time to show each other how much we really don’t care”.

New Dating App Connects You With People Within 1 Metre Radius

A new app called LookUp alerts users to family members and spouses located within 100cm, encouraging them to start a conversation, or even a relationship.

Creators of the innovative new service say the beauty of the app is that it will notify you of people in your immediate vicinity you hadn’t even remembered existed.

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Food On Wooden Board Same As Food On Plate

Food served on a polished chopping board is identical to food supplied on a plate, it has been revealed.

The findings come after an extensive research project conducted in cafes and restaurants.

“While the food we tested on wooden boards was generally more difficult to eat and about 30-40% more expensive, we found no difference in the food itself,” scientist Jeffery Coomb said today.

The findings will come as a shock to patrons, many of whom have cut plated food from their diets completely.

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New Telstra Bundle Includes Five Free Outages A Month

Saying it was its best mobile deal yet, Telstra has released a new plan that includes 10GB of data, $500 worth of calls and texts, and a whopping five full days of network downtime, all for just $75 a month.

And as a special promotional offer, those who sign up before the end of the month will get their first week without any access at all, totally free.

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Melbourne Café Now Selling Deconstructed Irony

A café in North Fitzroy is giving customers all the ingredients they need to make a smug social statement.

Served on an assortment of materials that can be used to build an old chopping board, the irony costs just $4, payable in four 1983 $1 notes.

Customer Sarah McTavish said she was one of the first to discover the new trend. “Going to cafés that pre-assemble their irony is so 2015. What a great idea to give you the materials to create your own self-important milieu”.

Trump Calls For US To Exit EU

Saying it was time to ‘make America Great again’, Republican presumptive Presidential nominee Donald Trump has begun a bid for his country to leave the European Union.

At a rally today, Mr Trump said. “Why should we answer to Brussels? Who even knows where Brussels is? I do. I’ve been there. I know loads of people there. And they’re not Americans. We’re Americans. Which is why we need to leave the EU. If I’m President, it’s the first thing I’ll do”.

“People are laughing at us. They’re actually laughing at us. People say to me, ‘Donald, why is America part of the European Union?’ And I say ‘Obama’. And they say ‘I hate Obama’. And I say, ‘I know Obama. I’ve met him. He’s not even American. And the European Union isn’t American either’.

“I know all the best unions. And the European Union is not one of them. The best union is the United States. So why are we even part of the EU? Let’s give the EU the finger. We won’t even need a referendum. We’ll just leave. I don’t even care if they try to stop us. I’m sick and tired of people trying to stop America leaving the EU”.

A poll today showed that 48% of Americans supported Donald Trump’s plan to leave the EU.

BREAKING: Fairfax, News Corp Announce Sweeping Cuts To Jarryd Hayne Divisions

Up to 100 journalists are out of work today after the country’s major news outlets announced they would be closing their Jarryd Hayne divisions.

Both News Corp and Fairfax have laid off staff, following the ex-NRL star’s decision to abandon his dream of playing in the NFL.

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Watch As Waleed Aly Brilliantly Takes Down A Box Of Cereal

A clip of The Project host Waleed Aly comprehensively taking down a box of Nutri Grain from a very high shelf has gone viral.

One fan said the video – which has already notched 52 million views – was just perfect. “The way he calmly and methodically took that box down from what was a pretty challenging position up there on the fourth shelf was impressive. But then to systematically unpack the box – carefully considering both sides equally – was amazing. I’m a big fan,” Sophie Bridges from Milingimby said.