News

Snow falls across Gove

UP TO AN INCH OF SNOW blanketed the Gove Peninsula for the first time in recorded history today.

A severe weather alert was issued by the Nhulunbuy Corporation to drivers as the snow covered large swathes of North East Arnhem Land.

Tracks to communities were hit by the wave of snow which swept across the North East of the region from Wednesday evening.

Authorities took to social media to warn of difficult conditions from Yirrkala to Gapuwiyak.

“Oddly enough, this isn’t the strangest news event of recent times,” wrote NCL social media manager, Wendy Constantine, alluding to Lynne Walker’s recent humbling at the polls.

“No roads are closed at this stage, but yes folks, snow has fallen in Nhulunbuy. Whether it’s a freak occurrence, global warming or climate change, we’re not sure.”

Nhulunbuy Police issued a yellow ‘Be Aware’ warning for much of the region, which was due to expire mid-morning on Friday.

More to come.

Cricket Australia insists the media blame the players for latest series loss, not them

CRICKET AUSTRALIA CEO JAMES Sutherland has dismissed suggestion that his organisation is broken at a fundamental level, saying that the rotation and reward policy had nothing to do with the series loss to South Africa this afternoon.

Rather than take an introspective look into Cricket Australia, Sutherland has pointed the finger at his underperforming players.

“We’ve been resting players, rotating them around to keep them fresh. We’ve given them the best support staff in the world – and they still get flogged. It’s not the board’s failure, it’s the players themselves who should shoulder the blame.” said Sutherland.
[lsvr_button text=”read more” link=”http://www.betootaadvocate.com/uncategorized/cricket-australia-insists-the-media-blame-the-players-for-latest-series-loss-not-them/” target=”default” style=”default”]

John Eales is putting soothing voice to good use by voicing GPS systems

IN A DAY AND AGE when road rage is becoming more and more common, it’s nice to have a voice of reason behind the wheel – and now, that voice can be John Eales.

The former Wallabies captain has leant his pipes to global GPS navigation giant TomTom, so that rugby union fans can simmer down and take the long way back, listening to the second-rower guide them home.

“My road rage problem was beginning to impact on those around me,” said Dennis Reprobate (52). “I’d grip the wheel and scream and shout. Sometimes I’d take the battery out of the garage remote and throw it at bad drivers.”
[lsvr_button text=”read more” link=”http://www.betootaadvocate.com/uncategorized/john-eales-is-putting-soothing-voice-to-good-use-by-voicing-gps-systems/” target=”default” style=”default”]

Pokémon Go Draws To Close After Final Little Piece Of Customer Data Captured

Describing it as a ‘wonderful, exciting adventure’, Pokémon Go creator Niantic has announced that the game will now come to an end, after the final, adorable little piece of customer information was captured in a suburban park in outer San Francisco last night.

“It’s been so much fun collecting all your data. We captured some really rare stuff,” Niantic executive James O’Neil said.

[lsvr_button text=”read more” link=”http://www.theshovel.com.au/2016/07/22/pokemon-go-draws-to-close-after-final-little-piece-of-customer-data-captured/” target=”default” style=”default”]

Mexico Builds Wall First

Mexico has erected a full-length border wall to keep out the millions of Americans hoping to flee from a Trump Presidency.

The wall, which stretches the entire length of the Mexico-US border, was built by a team of Mexican labourers who until recently had formed the backbone of the American agricultural industry. They’ve since pre-empted a Trump victory and returned home, causing the US agricultural industry to collapse.

Hipster Bigot Hates Minorities You Haven’t Even Heard Of Yet

A local bigot hipster says he insults minority groups that haven’t even been covered by alternative media outlets, let alone the mainstream channels.

[lsvr_button text=”read more” link=”http://www.theshovel.com.au/2016/08/02/hipster-bigot-hates-minorities-you-havent-even-heard-of-yet/” target=”blank” style=”default”]

UK completely unprepared for snow for 10,438th winter running

BRITAIN has once again found itself unprepared for snow as it has been since the beginning of recorded history. 

Just as our fur-clad forebears in mud-brick houses were shaken to the core by the cold white magic covering the ground, people across the North today found themselves panicked by an inch of snow as if it had never been known in their lifetimes.

Historian Mary Fisher said: “As Chaucer wrote, ‘Snowe? Then thy milke man shal be late on his round as if this hath never byn befor.’
[lsvr_button text=”Read More” link=”http://bit.ly/2GZakSO-Gove-Online” target=”blank” style=”default”]

My Charitable Gesture

Yesterday, I was feeling vaguely charitable (read curious) and so released everyone from cyber-Coventry (my ‘Blocked’ list). There were approximately 40 and they were no doubt overwhelmed with the joyous news of my gracious and forgiving act.

Would you Adam and Eve it, by lunch today ‘The Witless Six’ and ‘The Irksome Eight’ have already made compelling cases to be returned permanently, have their English teachers investigated, their priests investigated or their parents sterilised.

Alarmingly, some of this special ensemble hold positions of responsibility in society.

And yes, I am a grumpy old git with a moderate chance of making my fiftieth (please refer to quote/tattoo below).

“Bask in my surly malcontent, for I am curmudgeon.” – Me, Christmas 2014.

Have a great day!

Axe Murdering Rapist Walks Out of Open Prison – Shock, Horror, Disbelief Ensue

 

From our friends at the Northern Territory Police, Fire and Emergency Services

Edward (Eddie) James HorrellEscape Custody – Nhulunbuy

 

Northern Territory Police are searching for a prisoner who is reported to have absconded from the Correctional Services work camp in Nhulunbuy overnight.

 

Edward (Eddie) James Horrell, aged 62, is described as being 170cm tall, medium build and was wearing a blue and yellow hi-vis button up shirt and dark blue shorts.

 

Horrell has a number of convictions for violent offences including rape, manslaughter and murder. Nhulunbuy Police are conducting enquiries with known associates and family members of Horrell in an effort to locate him.

 

If sighted members of the public are urged not to approach him and to contact Police immediately.

 

Likewise anyone who has information on his current or intended whereabouts are urged to contact Police as a matter of urgency on 131 444 or Crime Stoppers on 1800 333 000. In an emergency call 000.

 

 

This convicted axe murderer and rapist waltzed out of our low-security open prison here in Nhulunbuy. It wasn’t long ago that the government assured the community that only low-risk offenders would be accommodated in Datjala Work Camp. Their website even states…

 

The facility can accommodate up to 50 sentenced and remand, low and open-security male prisoners. No sex offenders or prisoners of public interest are considered for placement.

 

Horrible Horrell was apparently seen doing some last minute grocery shopping at nearby Woolworths before continuing on his merry way. It is also rumoured that a position has become available at the work camp to monitor security cameras in the event the brazen walk-out encourages others to leave at will.

I have it on very good authority that 3 sex offenders were hastily flown out of town today in what stinks suspiciously of damage control.

Government Want Bremer Cleared of Aborigines

tom-noytuna-telephone-abbottDid you know that this insidious government have already approached an elderly female occupant of Dhambaliya (Bremer Island), asking her to move into town and never return, in exchange for accommodation and Centrelink payments?

Fortunately, she has well water and solar power and was therefore in a position to tell them where to stick their salacious bribe.

I wish people would wake up to the sickening way in which people are being treated by the local authority and government in general. I am particularly disgusted with what I have learned about local social services. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a spokesperson for the Yolŋu and nor would I profess to be but I know bad smells and when something stinks.

I can safely say that if this was happening to white people, there would be bloody riots.

Tony Abbott wants to remove the rightful owners of the land because he believes living in these remote communities is an unsustainable lifestyle choice which should no longer be funded.

History repeating itself? Same shit, different stench!