Top Gear & India

Seriously, if you put Jezza and India in the same sentence, let alone a whole show, there’s bound to be a bit of Chapati bashing!

Viewers vented their frustration after the special saw Clarkson mocking the dress of Indian dignitaries, driving around slums in a Jaguar fitted with a toilet and making repeated jokes about the country’s trains, food, history and conditions.

Do me a favour? Next you’ll be saying ‘knock knock’ jokes are derogatory towards full wood doors!!

Maybe I’m just Old fashioned.

Read the whole bullshit here.

Bullies Deserve A Kick in the Bollocks, Period.

I am sick to death of the number of surveys, reports and associated do-gooders stating how we must treat bullies and the bullied. Much of it comes down to pampering their asses or paying professional psychologists to tell us what we already know.

Meeting violence with violence is generally considered unacceptable, I agree. However, dealing with bullies is the exception to the rule!

My (soon to be divorced) missus, does not share my (archaic) views on the treatment of bullies.

My (significantly worse other half) wife is in agreement with the authorities who claim that violence is not the solution. She was obviously bullied as a brat and hardly surprising really, anyone who represents their country in nagging deserves to be bullied in my view but I digress, I preach hitting back and she preaches…..well, she just preaches.

Sadly, I read too many articles like this one:

Bullies kick schoolboy until his spleen ruptures

“Fight back” I say

Kick the fucker in the bollocks and I will personally guarantee that the Neanderthal with never touch you again.

It’s simple, bullies are cowards. This is one assessment the overly paid tossers with clipboards have actually got right. They feel a need to be in control and they want others to see you being hurt by them.

This slightly homosexual tendency is easily remedied by a swift kick to the obviously underused groin area. Even better is a very quick and powerful punch to the lower pelvic region. Delivering a reasonably powerful blow just above the seldom-used tool will actually separate the pelvic girdle in two and reduce the power-hungry penis muncher to a blubbering mess who will think, not twice, but three times before attempting to force themselves on others.

Cowboys and bullies don't appreciate being kicked in the bollocks

I remember a particularly ‘wannabe’ hard man and all round unloved soul at school, who thought it wise to continually poke the bear with a short stick. One day the bear decided that enough was enough and hit back after one too many taunts. The look of surprise was a picture. From that day forward, the bully concentrated his efforts on another.

I remember another bully, although technically a pair of bullies, who terrorised the neighbourhood and who took great pleasure in kicking several blends of shit out of me one day, for no apparent reason. The following day I patiently waited with the utmost criminal intent and when one of the two siblings approached, I took almost perverse pleasure in the tightly clenched fist that connected with his nose, producing an explosion of claret. He went down like a sack of the shit that he was and knew immediately that this act of bravado would result in another beating but didn’t care in the slightest.

I wasn’t wrong. The very next day the brothers, and no doubt in-bred cousins, combined forces and pummelled me in the school playground but even with a bloodied face and sore ribs, I knew I had the upper hand. The brothers/sisters/cousins of that particular family never laid a finger on me again.

Bullies do not like victims that retaliate. A punch on the nose or a knee to the groin will save a child from years of unnecessary physical and psychological torture.

Argentina Looking for a Another Bloody Nose?

The little dicks and armchair generals are at it again. Posturing, that is. Not that they actually ever stopped after the last bloody nose they received at the hands of the British military. But before long, they will lead Argentina into another confrontation that it could barely support the first time around, 30 years ago.

As one commentator quite rightly points out, possession is nine tenths of the law and given (only) Britain’s colonisation, the islands should remain British. Ask the Falkland Islanders? They will, every man, woman, child and sheep, say…

Fuck off Argentina! We’re British!

…and rightly so!

I really don’t like John Terry but let’s be honest, in the following tete-a-tete, who’s your money on?

England v Argentina
Tevez = Argie = Arse









History shows us that Argentina produces quality arses. Particularly military generals. Here’s a very good example of an Argentine arse:

Quality Argentine Arse
Quality Argentine Arse












Bendigo Bag of Bollocks Business Award for March 2011

Deciding who was more deserved of this month’s title was more difficult than anticipated.  Our regular nominee, an unnamed local bar, went head to head with the newcomer and young pretender, Bendigo Taxis but given the overwhelming weight of complaints garnered by the latter, it soon became clear that not everyone’s favourite watering hole was as bad as we thought, at least not for the month of March 2011 and at least not for those of us still supporting it.

On a personal note, which in no way influences this month’s result (…much….really), waiting more than an hour for a taxi, TWICE IN ONE DAY!!!, would try the patience of a saint. I am no saint but a rugby fan desperate to get home in time to watch a crucial live match of the 6 Nations Championship.

Yes, I am aware that Bendigo Taxis have just implemented a new automated booking system but surely it would have been prudent to test the bloody thing before going live. Hardly any way to run a business is it? Oh wait, Microsoft have been doing the same thing for years. Look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t use Bendigo Taxis, just don’t expect it to turn up on time……or at all!!

Bendigo Taxis, it is with great pleasure that I award you with the Bendigo Bag of Bollocks Business Award for March 2011

Telstra Customer Service – A True Oxymoron

Telstra customer service – an oxymoron

I’m about as knowledgeable on telephonic hardware as I am with the inner workings of the female psyche but even I could have built a telephone out of cigarette ends and old tea bags, connected it to the telephone exchange with cold al dente spaghetti AND made the thing perfectly usable in the time it took Telstra to get me connected. I’ve waited more than a week and become painfully familiar with two dozen members of Telstra staff in as many ineffective departments.

A somewhat more serious side effect of spending so much of my life on the phone to Telstra, is not being able to get those bloody tunes out of my head. I feel violated by muzak.

Now that the telephone is connected, you’d think it was just a case of flicking a switch and the broadband would be activated but this is Telstra and nothing could be so simple.

No, Telstra insist that they need to send a modem even though I have made it clear that I have a one in perfect working order. They even agree that I can indeed use my existing modem and so I ask the obvious question.

After the usual pillar-to-post merry-go-round that is the Telstra trademark, the conversation with what sounded more like an Australian human than an Indian automaton (although I wasn’t entirely convinced), began like this…

Me – So, will you kindly activate my account?

Her – No, not until the new modem has been dispatched from our warehouse.

Me – But, you stated that I may use my existing modem, so why can’t you activate it now?

Her – The account is activated once the modem leaves the warehouse.

Me – But I don’t need a modem and you have clearly stated that I can use my existing modem, so why waste your money and my time by sending a new one?

Here – That’s just the way it is. If a modem wasn’t ready to be dispatched, I could activate it now but the new modem is waiting…

Me – Yes, yes, I know all that but why don’t you simply remove the modem from the order?

Her – I can’t do that…(computer says “No”)

Me – Audible sigh!

You get the picture. This goes on for twenty minutes. The customer support representative explains that nobody is able to prevent the modem from being dispatched even though it is a harmless inanimate object, sitting defenceless with no means of preventing intervention.
“Computer says No!”

So now I must wait several more days for these fuckwits to go through the motions before my broadband can be activated.

The sad thing is that no amount of complaining will improve their service. Telstra is one of those unwelcome and depressing certainties down under…..just like the flies!


…an official who upholds petty rules even at the expense of humanity or common sense.


…someone who always obeys all the rules of their job even when they cause problems for other people or when the rules are silly


…a person who follows the rules of a job exactly, even when this causes problems for other people, or when the rules are not sensible


…a jobsworth is a person who uses his or her job description in a deliberately uncooperative way, or who seemingly delights in acting in an obstructive or unhelpful manner.

…a minor clerical worker who refuses to be flexible in the application of rules to help a client or customer.

…a person in a position of minor authority who invokes the letter of the law in order to avoid any action requiring initiative, cooperation, etc

There is quite a bit more to this farcical tale but by now you are are probably as bored as I am……

Ebay’s Shoddy Sellers

Blockpartytime, alias Charles Major from Barwon, Vic, is one such seller to avoid like the plague!

Two pairs of identical shoes developed the same fault in identical places within days of arrival. The first time it happened, he ignored my messages via Ebay and email. When lightening struck for a second time, he eventually managed a response but from thereon was incredibly arrogant and rude, and flat out refused a refund or any form of compromise.  He certainly offered no evidence of customer support.

To be honest, I can’t fathom how this distasteful pleb remains in business. Perhaps it’s a good job he sells through Ebay because if he had to meet his customers face to face, I would bet that he’d probably end up with more bloody noses than customers.

This numpty’s  refusal to communicate eventually cost him, though. Once escalated to a claim via PayPal, the seller is given several weeks to respond. Charles Major either refused or didn’t realise. Either way, a typical response but one which resulted in my money being refunded.

An objective review of this seller would probably point out that I am in the minority and that the overwhelming feedback for this plonker is positive, but this post is not about balance and is simply a ‘buyer beware’ warning based on my own experience alone.

Charles of Barwon, thanks for the refund but you are still my ‘Major Cock of the Month’. Congratulations.


Grand Final – Bendigo 5 v 6 Puckapunyal

The Fighting Miners failed in their quest to win back-to-back premierships when they were defeated by the Puckapunyal Boars 6-5 in a quagmire at Puckapunyal last Saturday.

Torrential rain had covered the playing surface with about 50mm of water which soon cut up to become a quagmire. Adding to the difficult conditions were intermittent downpours and a strong wind.

Miners Aiming for Twelfth Premiership

The Fighting Miners travel to Puckapunyal on Saturday seeking back-to-back premierships in the VRU Country Division. The Fighting Miners are celebrating their fortieth anniversary this year and are hoping for a twelfth premiership to crown the celebrations.