ISIS transports links decimated after NATO hand Mosul contract to Queensland Rail

The so-called Islamic state was brought to its knees this week after a calculated move by NATO saw beleaguered train service, Queensland Rail, handed the transport contract for the terrorist’s last major stronghold, Mosul.

Dozens of suicide bombers were left twiddling their thumbs and prominent evil bastards were left unable to deliver vital information, as delays of up to three hours caused chaos for nefarious commuters.

Head of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, said, “This is wholly unacceptable. I contacted Queensland Rail about the issue, and they had the audacity to direct our disgruntled suicide bombers to a flippin delay-repay website!

“The very nature of the job means they’re highly unlikely to benefit from compensation.”

Transport Minister Stirling Hinchliffe, told us, “Queensland Rail have never, and will never, give a shit about our customers.

“I literally spend my days sipping port and laughing at CCTV footage of tearful commuters calling their kids to tell them they won’t be able to read them a bedtime story.

“It just proves how fickle the world is. NATO is calling us heroes, but essentially our business plan hasn’t changed.

“Whether you’re desperate to get home to your family, or desperate to blow-up someone else’s – we’ll do our best to stop you.”

 

NAAFI Tea for Tough Guys Sold to Soft Civvies!

NAAFI Break tea, the only thing keeping the British Army’s front line troops fighting fit (a thinly veiled reference to the controversy surrounding their sub-standard kit), is to be sold to civvies. That’s right, civilians or regular non-serving members of the British public, can now get their laughing gear around it. It’s the first time in their history that the NAAFI has released one of its own brands to the general public.

NAAFI tea
NAAFI tea. It’ll put hairs on your chest!

The reason I decided that this news blog-worthy was twofold. Firstly, and most importantly, it will raise funds for Help for Heroes, the charity which helps injured service personnel and secondly, I grew up on the stuff. You can learn more about Help for Heroes by visiting their site and you can make a donation now by clicking on the h4h image.

help for heroes logo
Click to make a donation now!

NAAFI, the Navy, Army and Air Force Institute, supplies British military personnel throughout the world, with a ‘taste of home’. From a tent within spitting distance of the front line to the plush supermarkets and leisure facilities found on British military garrisons, NAAFI offer all the usual comforts of home such as British bread, biscuits and newspapers, British fish & chips and a traditional British pint. These days the British squaddie can even buy tax-free cars!

NAAFI Break tea has been served to British Forces since 1921 and is said to differ from the average cuppa due to its “premium quality blend that gives a rich, strong taste and a real military flavour”. Now I can’t tell you what that ‘real military flavour’ is precisely, because it has been a while since my last cup but I certainly remember it being full-bodied and not for the faint-hearted. I remember being gently woken by Sgt. Owen and the NCO’s serving us morning tea with a generous measure of Navy Rum to the sound of the regimental band playing Reveille on the square; a festive traditional treat to Parachute Regiment recruits, if my memory serves correct and in stark contrast to the usual screaming and bed tipping which passed for a wake up call on any other day. I would seriously like to reacquaint myself with it if only for nostalgia’s sake – the tea, not the wake-up calls.

NAAFI Break is being sold in branches of the Spar supermarket chain in the UK and 50p from each sale goes to Help for Heroes.

Unique, interesting or unusual ways to get fit?

I find it extremely difficult to motivate myself to go jogging. In fact, motivation for any sort of fitness-related exertion is nigh on impossible to muster. Before you jump down my throat with unhelpful comments related to bone-idleness and such, may I add that there is a genuine underlying medical reason for this. I’d rather go to the dentist AND watch paint dry than pound the pavement and so I am on a mission to uncover something a little more inspiring.